Climbing

The hunt for the ladder.  A hunt, you say?  Yes...literally a long, excruciating hunt for the past 3 years.  Cyberstalking, catalog searching, mall shopping, furniture stores, design stores, antique stores, and yes...even checking out garbage piles.

When we moved into our new house three years ago, my goal was to complete my Studio first.  My Studio?  Yes, a high-falutin word for my craft room.  But doesn't every good artist call it a studio?  Hubby and the boys enjoyed making fun of it, but I have used it and My Room interchangeably for the past three years, it has started to stick. 

As I completed it, my goal was to have a place to showcase my quilts.  Okay my "future" quilts.  Why do I say future? I really must admit, that I have stacks and stacks of want-to-do quilts, but just didn't want to clutter every chair and couch with quilts!  So I decided I wanted an old ladder.  I love the rustic look, I have a bunch of rustic bird houses, and I just think it is fitting to my personality.  Climbing out of the pit I have been in.  Not perfect, but rough around the edges like me.  A bit paint splattered like my heart...still beating, still strong, but just a little tarnished with grief.

Finally, Pottery Barn had a ladder.  But I won't even describe how much it was going to cost me.  Especially when I decided I wanted a second one for my family room.  I wanted to be able to decorate it with holiday quilts.  I was about to cry, until I decided to check a website I found 3 years ago.  It made me weary because it wasn't as flashy as many other websites I shop from.  But when I saw their prices and the fact that the two ladders with shipping would cost me less than one very small one from PB, I decided to take a leap of faith.  Kind of like the one we made to try to have another child.

They arrived today.  Better than I ever expected.  A little crooked, definitely rustic, and completely perfect for what I wanted!  What do you think!

I also thought I would show you my infamous "Studio".  Do you think it is worthy of it's name?





My Studio/Craft Room...LOVE my Island.  Great for any and all projects

 


My "sitting" side.  I set up my sewing machines (which I store in the closet when not in use), jewelry making, stamping, and the right corner is where my boys have the upper and lower cabinet overflowing with kid craft items!  The larger cabinet on the left holds my scrapbooking paper, album page/page protectors, my Sissix die-cut machine...and some quilting rulers...odds and ends!

 


The WORK side!  Computer, printer, office supplies!  Gift wrapping, card making, Cricut machine are all hidden in the cabinets.  My ribbon and large sized Sissix die-cuts find a home on an old ribbon rack!

 


The Cozy Corner....My chair and a half that actually folds out to a twin mattress! The blankets/sheets are stored in my ottoman!  I love this mini-couch.  A lot of crosstitching, needlework, hand sewing done on that cushy seat!  And quite a few naps!!!!!!!



 



  



All Saint's Day

 

Today is All Saint's Day.  And I am grateful for the Communion of Saints.  For those who don't know what that is, I will give it to you in Heidi speak...don't take this as a direct quote from our Catechism!  The Communion of Saints is the belief that all of our loved ones that depart us become members of a community in heaven.  A very special community that is waiting and praying for those who are still wading through all the details of life down here.   A community that we can pray for intercession to.  Especially when we need some help bending God's ear.

Today is a day that always reminds me of why it is hard to be a Catholic. I have always found it to be difficult to be Catholic in our society.  I know to some, this might sound crazy, but I often feel very persecuted for my beliefs.  I have often wondered if it would be better to be Jewish.  No one seems to question their faith or disrespect their faith as much as I feel other Christians disrespect and question mine.  I have often been told that because I am Catholic...I am not Christian.  That is like a knife to the heart.  How awful to say that the oldest church is not Christian?  I always feel like I should defend my religion.  I say I feel like it, but I don't.  It just isn't worth the heartache of getting into a debate, especially when it involves good friends of ours.

Now, after the loss of a daughter, the question of faith and religion is a constant topic on my mind.  I am a realist in so many ways.  The nurse in me is so scientific and rationale.  But the nurse in me is also so sensitive to the things that can't be explained.

 I have empathy for those who are agnostic or are atheist after a loss.  How can you not be?  How can these repetitive or horrible losses be explained?  How can any of our religions justify what seems to be insanity?  Why so much pain for women who want a child or want to keep the child that they have created...something that all religions agree is an important aspect of our faith lives.  The procreation of children from a marriage.  Marriage being one of the holiest sacraments that couples can participate in.  Why would God want to deny couples that are righteously fulfilling our covenant with God?

But there you have it.  God working in his ever mysterious way.  I really hope that there is a Communion of Saints, because that would mean that Jamie is up there with the best of them, St. Anne of Seton, St. Jude, St. Francis of Assissi and so on. 

I hope she is up there praying and waiting for the rest of us to join her, otherwise, all of "this" life is for nothing...........

If only he made the bed.....perfection!

Fourteen years and four kids ago, I married a young man.   I was 21 and he was 22 on that day. So young!!!  Yes, we have gone through our trials.  We have learned to accept our frailties and weaknesses along with each other's strengths.  When our boys ask us how they will know they are marrying the right girl, we both say "you have to love her for her faults as well as her virtues!"

He made concessions when my job had to be first.  We marched to the Army's tune together.  When it was his "turn", I was his biggest chearleader.  We have had our share of drama with our families and friends.  We have moved nine times and cannot believe our luck to have been in one place the last seven years!  We have lost pets and family members.  We have fought, cried, laughed, and loved.

We went to dinner the other night for our "celebration".  Since quiet time is so precious, we were able to commiserate on how busy our lives have been ever since.  We often say that we don't get a "break".  But in reality, who would want one?!?!

Of course, at some point Jamie Lynn came up in our conversation. It is amazing how the loss of a child can make a couple closer.  Every day I hear the horrifying statistics of divorce rates of couples who have lost a child.  For us, her death has forged the bond stronger.

I have felt my love evolve and mature over the years.  I realize that there is still some work to be done.  I just hope I am able to still say that the young boy who is now an amazing man is my everything for years to come.

Butterflies

On Easter Sunday, after returning from church, I asked God to give me a sign that day.  Please God, tell me that you are there, so I know that I will see my Jamie Lynn again.  Please tell me that my faith in You makes sense.

He answered with a butterfly quietly landing in a field of wildflowers next to our home.  

Since Easter, I have had many visits from butterflies.  Daily and more than once a day.

Butterflies single, gliding on the wind.  Pairs fluttering together.  One lands on a pot nearby.  Another steps into some avacado dip. "Why, yes, help yourself Mr. Butterfly."

They come in all colors...orange, yellow-orange, dark yellow, light yellow, yellow with spots, orange with spots.  Black with orange stripes.  Black with yellow stripes. 

Butterflies in the early morning as I sip my coffee.  I close my eyes to bask in the afternoon sun.  When I open them, two zig-zag in the near distance.   A butterfly lands on my shoulder as I contemplate a sunset. 

Butterflies flitter-flutter around the boys as they frolic in the yard.  They are oblivious to the perfection of the scene.

Butterflies when I think of her. When I am not thinking of her...to remind me.  

Daddy taps my shoulder.  He points.  I smile.  Of course.  Another butterfly.  We smile at each other. 

It is our little secret, Butterfly.

"Enter each day with the expectation that the happenings of the day may contain a clandestine message addressed to you personally. Expect omens, epiphanies, casual blessings, and teachers who unknowingly speak to your condition."

 --Sam Keen

In the Jungle

the mighty jungle.....the lions sleep tonight.
The house is still, the monkeys are in there beds.  The lion is in his den snoring off the day's work.  I am the lioness, hunting in the night.  Hunting for answers that I know can never be answered.
Why her?  Why us?  Why?
The night is still.  Pacing does no good. Time to just wait for the sun to rise.

Faith

Even six months after losing my Jamie, I have heard the whole gammit.  I even read that I needed to forgive someone for my loss...i.e. forgive the drunk driver, etc. 

But I kept thinking, who am I supposed to forgive?  God?  But all say that He didn't do this. 

Why would God purposely give my daughter a fatal condition?  To have me carry her? 

Yes, I understand...but why give so much pain?

SOOO, three things have happened just this week!!!

1.  I read a post by a mom who also had a child with a fatal condition.  She said...."Thank you God for taking my child so he would not suffer in this world."

 WOW!  God didn't do this to my baby...it is just one of those things that happen on this Earth.  God saved my baby from living with her horrible condition...suffering on this Earth.

2.  I read in a book..."The God I know has experienced pain and torment and therefore understands my pain.  The Incarnation means that God cares so much that he chose to become human and suffer loss, though he never had to.  He is not aloof from my suffering, but draws near to me when I suffer. "

3.  I just recieved a beautiful letter from a friend and in it he spoke of  a bible class he was a part of.  A man in his class stood up and said ."A message prepared in the mind reaches minds, a message prepared in the heart reaches hearts, but a message prepared in a life reaches lives." The man then proceeded to tell the story of the loss of their child 13 years ago.  He described how his wife spends much of her time ministering to those who also are devastated.

All three of those things have made me go Hmmmm.  And I have had a bit of a better skip in my step.  In the end, it is our choice to have faith in Him.

Faith "that we find joy in our trials".

Drowning

No one likes the sad girl. They want the happy girl to come back.

I am drowning.  Drowning in all of my responsibilities, sadness, pain, along with my hopes and dreams.  Swimming towards the dock, but being grabbed by some unknown forces, deep at the bottom of the lake.  The weight of the water is sometimes too much to bear.   I can gasp at the top of the water for a second, but then I am violently yanked under.  Sometimes it seems easier to stay under.

I dream of floating aimlessly, camly again.  How can I ever do that, if I can't reach the top of the water and take a full breathe of air.

Dear God, can you please throw me a life vest?