Be still, my heart.

Friday, I felt pressure.  Pressure so tight, I couldn't stand it.

I felt like my chest was being crushed.

My shoulders could no longer take any more weight.

I opened my email.  A note.  A school note that said that my son had "failed to bring supplies/work to class".  Not a big deal really.   

But it was.

I failed him.  I didn't remember that it was due this Friday.  He had told me several times the last three weeks.  I forgot.

I failed him.

I walked up to get Button out of his crib.  He popped up and gave me the biggest smile.  I started sniffling as I changed his diaper.  I had uncontrollable, silent tears as I snapped him into his car seat.

As I drove...the tears flowed.  I couldn't stop them.  No noise, just tears.  As if my eyes were rivers and streams....waterfalls that I couldn't control.  

 

But the pressure was still there.

My grown young man climbed into the car when I arrived.  My sunglasses on, but tears still streaming.  I apologized for my appearance and told him I had hoped his friends hadn't seen me.

He asked "what's wrong?".  

I simply said,  "I am just sad.  I feel like such a failure as a mom".  

In the pause, I know he heard "you boys struggle so at your schools.  I wish I could cure the dyslexia your younger brothers have.  I hope I don't screw up your baby brother."  

I know he heard in the pause "And, God, I failed your sister.  I couldn't save her."

It slammed me.  I sobbed.  Uncontrollably.  Enough that I had to pull over in the parking lot.

He patted me on my shoulder.  He consoled me.  He told me that I was a "great mom..you are doing fine".

I had gathered myself by the time we arrived to pick up the younger two.  We arrived home.  I pretended I was better for their sake.

I was tired.

Then Bunny gave me a folded up piece of paper right before he went to bed. 

I opened it and smiled.

And all the pressure was gone.

Words of Courage

A question asked by a fellow babyloss mom:

"Words of Courage. 

Any come to mind for a particularly cloudy day full of missing her?"

Dear sweet Laura,

I wish I could tell you the perfect answer.  I will just tell you what I do when I have a cloudy day.  

I DON'T FIGHT IT!

I curl up with her quilt.

I sometimes grab her teddy.

See her sitting on the memory box?  Yes, she is a girl!

I sometimes pull out her scrapbook just so I can see her.

I put a sad movie in.  Steel Magnolias if I am feeling like I need to "Go Sally" on someone.   Tinkerbell because that is the Disney character I associate her with.  I would have watched Tinkerbell to the end of time with her.  

Lately,  Rabbit Hole has been working for me. 

It helps me remember that my husband is grieving too, just in a different way.

But my point in all of this? 

It is that I allow myself to have the cloudy day once in awhile.  

If I try to fight through it...things only get worse for me....

((((((((HUGS))))))))))

My Mess of a Blog!

This is a shout out to my blog following friends!

I realize more and more that my blog doesn't have a true "fit".  If you read my heading, it says that this blog incorporates my love...for TOO many things!

I know that I have loss followers who are wondering, what the heck are all the craft posts?

I know that I have craft/sewing follower who are wondering, what the heck is with all the grief/loss posts?

The answer is this.

I would love to compartmentalize all of my posts.  I would love to have separate blogs.  

But the reality of it is this.  I love to sew.  I love to craft.  I love my kids.  And I have lost a child.  All of these things make me who I am am.   And if you are having trouble understanding this maybe this post would best describe what I am trying to say.

Therefore, in a way, this post is to let you all know that I understand that my blog is a mess.  Honestly, my life is messy.  I cannot compartmentalize all my parts.  They are all with me at all times.  I sit at my sewing machine and see this. 

  

In short, I have thought of changing my blog, but I can't bear to.  I would then have to separate these things in my life.    In plain speak, I DON'T WANT TO.

So thank you for following me.  Please be patient with me.  I honestly don't know how else to do it.

If you have suggestions, I will gladly listen.  I need all the help I can get!

Daddy's Little Girl

" Here she is

All peaches and cream

Our sweet little girl,

Our long awaited dream."

-Author Unknown

My dear hubby has been much on my mind lately.  I left him last weekend to go on a scrapbook retreat.   I honestly didn't hesitate because he has always taken care of the boys without any difficulty. 

I also know that he is quite capable of taking care of a baby.  He had to take care of our two older boys when they were babies when I used to work evening and night shifts as a young nurse in the Army. 

What is on my mind is that I still haven't asked him is what he thinks of having another baby.  Let alone what he thinks about having another boy.  What I haven't asked him is how he is feeling?  I haven't even asked him about how his grief is with this arrival of such a bundle of joy.  Least of all, I haven't asked him if having another boy makes him miss his little girl all the more.  I can honestly say that it has.  I wish she was here.

 

But here is what I DO know.

I know that he lovingly tends to Jamie's tree. 

 I know that he is able to say her name without choking up.

  I know that he shares my blog with others. 

 I know that he is supportive of my blog, my online support group, and my craziness (like mailing my doppler to Canada yesterday to a CTT momma carrying a rainbow baby).

  I know that I sent him this link to an article that was brought to my attention on my online support group.  It is the story about three NCAA basketball coaches that all have a common bond.  The loss of their babies.  We are HUGE fans of college basketball (just ask my mom...I think she knows all the Big East teams after her visit)Dearest hubby immediately responded to my email.  He said that he had seen it featured on CBS sports during the tournament.  His quote "it was an unbelievable piece.  I forgot to tell you about it."

I wonder if he forgot to tell me because we don't discuss this issue outright, or if he really just forgot.

Why don't I ask?

I don't know.

 

Angel of God

Angel of God, My Guardian Dear

to whom God's love commits me here.

Ever this day be at my side

to light, and guard and rule and guide.

Amen.

So I am going to lay it all out tonight.  Hope you are ready for it!!!

Last night, I was ANGRY.

I know that I am angry more and more every day because Jamie isn't here and James is.  It isn't that I don't love him....I SOOOO do.  But dammit, why couldn't I just have both of them.

I know I am angry because Dr. G said that my uterus was VERY thin.  Emphasis on VERY.  I wasn't "done" having babies.  Looks like the choice might be taken out of my hands.

I am angry because I wanted things to be perfect when James was born.  I wanted to just spend time with James ALL alone. I wanted to "room in" with him. He was one week and five days old when I finally had him all to myself.  It should have been the first night he was born.  Instead, I didn't even get to hold him until he was already one day old.  And even then, it was for the shortest bit of time.

 I was VERY angry at anyone and all on his third day in the NICU.  I was terrified that I was going to leave the hospital without a baby in my arms. I wanted the boys to see him while I was in the hospital, not the first day I came home. 

I am angry because I wanted to cry during those quiet times at night at the hospital.  I still haven't.  The sob is just balled up in my throat.  Waiting.....


BUT.......

God decided to nudge me.  Last night, after big brothers were tucked in and Daddy went to bed, I was alone.  Alone with James.  As he fell asleep in my arms, I realized that he was giggling in his sleep.   He was smiling.  I know, I know...babies don't smile, but he WAS!  He also has this amazing ability to play with his fingers.  We noticed it the very first night we saw him.   His hands extend out as if they are "petting" someone.  He touches us with the tips of his fingers instead of having the normal clenched newborn fists.  He loves to pull his blanket over his head.  He will fuss until his hands and arms are released from the confines of the swaddling blanket.   It looks like he is waving his arms and playing games with someone in his dreams.

Then it hit me.   Is he playing with his sister?  Is she watching over him?

When I went into the OR, I didn't have any jewelry on except for the heart shaped charm my dear friends gave me.  It has an angel cradling a baby in her arms.  It has Jamie Lynn's name engraved on the back.  It was blessed by Fr. Drew.  The nurse made me take it off, so I handed it to Aaron.  After they prepped me in the OR and he came in to sit with me, I felt something in my hand.  My darling husband placed that necklace in my hand.  And we prayed.  After the surger, I wore it the whole time I was in the hospital. And one of our favorite photos is this one: 

This photo was taken the very first time I got to hold him.  It was a very gratifying feeling to hold him right on my chest.  He became less fussy, opened his eyes, and his breathing slowed down to a normal rate.  My anxiety flittered away.  It felt so good to hold him.

Can you see the necklace?

I am more and more convinced that she is looking out for him.  As we play out the scenario that led to his platelet transfusion, I realize how perilous his situation would have been if he had not had trouble breathing in the OR.  He would not have been whisked to the NICU.  He would not have had his blood tested.   We would not have known that his platelets were so dangerously low.  I have to now believe that all of it happened for a reason.

I think he officially has his very own Guardian Angel.

And that balled up sob....tears of gratefulness flowed while I held my most precious boy in the wee hours of the night.  The ball is much smaller today.

But I am still waiting........

A New Beginning

"Every end is a new beginning"

-Proverb

Today was a tough day. 

 I woke up sad knowing that I was walking into the school clinic that I work at  for the last time.  This also happens to be where my boys go to school.

I REALLY loved my job.  But after much prayer and plain common sense, I realized my family needed me home again.

I won't deny that I will LOVE to be home all day with this Button. 

 However, it is with mixed emotions that I packed up my things this afternoon.

Of course, I can't stay away from that place.   I will be helping out with screenings.  Doing some substituting if needed. It is a second home to me.  I just felt so welcomed and loved by all. I knew that on any given day, I could walk in cranky and walk out smiling.  Feeling like I made a difference in some child's life.

I also think it makes the arrival of Button all the more REAL.  I have had this date in place since New Year's as my "last day" before maternity leave.  Then a few weeks ago, it became my "LAST day" at work.  The date was set because we knew my repeat c-section was the next week and I wanted to work as close as possible to that date.  I would go in to work on Monday and Tuesday if hubby would let me!

  I already know that I am going to start crawling up walls in anticipation in a mere few hours.  Not the "normal" kind, but the kind that is filled with anxiety, worry, sadness, anger, and whatever else emotion decides to bubble to the top!  This "rainbow" baby stuff is a lot harder than I EVER imagined!

So I am going to focus on my "end" being a "beginning".  I will force myself to forsee a future with a child that will actually come home with us.  I will help hubby put the carseat together this weekend.  And even one step furthur...put it in the car.  I will take tags off some of the baby blankets and clothes and actually wash them.

Because Button is my new beginning.





Love Lives Here

 "In our life there is a single color,

as on an artist's palette,
 which provides the meaning of life and art.

It is the color of love."

-Marc Chagall

If you recall, my friend, Mattie, invited a few of us to blog about love this month.   Her blog, Beauty Will Rise, is where you can learn about her triumphs and trials through the loss of her precious darlings, Shyla Joy and Jakin. 

Today is my turn to write a bit about love for the project called What Love Really Means.  Follow the button on the sidebar to read more from some amazing bloggers.  I am thoroughly enjoying them myself the past few days and completely honored that she asked me to join in!!

LOVE LIVES HERE

If you haven't noticed, when I set up this blog, my description was and still is "A place to incorporate my love...My love for my children.  My love for my family.  My love for crafts.  My love for life!!!" 

 So, I find it very fitting to finally write about my love!

 

"Love is coming face to face with the knowledge

 that you've found the best friend you'll ever have in this world"

-Lucy Murray

18 years ago, I was a mere 17 years old when I met my husband.  He helped me move into my college dorm.  14 years ago, we married shortly after I graduated from nursing school.  I am flabbergasted how many times we have moved, the amount of changes in our lives that have occurred, and the blessings we have been given along the way.  We both have had the opportunity to grow in our careers, our hobbies, and our spirituality.  I have had the honor of staying home for many years.  I have been working part-time as the clinic nurse at my boys' school...a dream come true.  

 We have three AMAZING boys that we can't imagine life without. 

"Now I know what love is"

  -Virgil

Even with our normal lives, stressful times, we had no idea how one small little bundle would rock our world a little over a year ago.  We found out that our daughter, at 18wk gestation, had a fatal condition.  We were encouraged/instructed that early termination was the best idea. 

 Our own hearts guided us differently.  We decided to carry her as long as we could. 

Jamie Lynn arrived and our life has never been the same.

"You will find as you look back upon your life

that the moments when you have truly lived

are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

-Henry Drummond

I often say that the day she was born, you could feel the bubble of love in that room.  A bubble of peace and tranquility.  My mom comments that God was in that bubble with us. I don't think she is far off.  The world around us continued, but we stopped.  We stopped to be with her.  Our boys were there to see their sister alive and then silently drift away from us.  My husband and I turned and clung to each other in our grief.

   I witnessed the day that my boys' hearts were first broken. I pray that they never have them shattered and splintered like that ever again.

  I know that in that room, we realized how precious each of us are to each other. 

  I would never want that taken away from any of us.

"Love is love's reward" 

 -John Dryden

And I know that through our love for her, our lovely Butterfly.....we could only see the arrival of our new bundle "Baby Button" in a mere week and a half as such a precious gift from above.  

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get

-only with what you are expecting to give-

which is everything."

-Katharine Hepburn

After she was gone, I could only continue to put my love in my sewing and crafting. Love into being with my family.  Love into taking care of my boys.
 Really, love into everything that I do. 

 I try to honor the fact that God gave me the gift of my husband. He gave me the gift of my boys.  He gave me a gift of another baby.  He gave me the gift to create. AND He gave me the gift of Jamie.

 Instead of wallowing in grief, I can use her life as inspiration for my life.  Inspiration for my personal charity for other baby loss mommas. 
I can share my journey with other moms that are facing grief, loss, and pain.

I can "do" what she never can.

Because I love her that much...

What Love Really Means

A special lady, Mattie, that I have "met" through the internet after the loss of Jamie has an awesome blog called Beauty Will Rise.  I wish my blog was as AWESOME as hers! She is an amazing person!  I will never forget when we exchanged gifts for Christmas 2009 with some moms that had lost their November babies.  She sent me some very special gifts, all which were perfect.  I wish I had thought to take pictures!

  My heart was very raw at the time, and her gifts helped put a healing ointment on that wound.  I will never forget her baby girl...Shyla Joy.  Without the loss of our precious girls, both due in the month of November that year, we would never have crossed paths.

I was so thrilled when I heard the news that she was carrying her rainbow baby.  I was terrified when she told us the news that little Jakin's heart was not working as well as it should be.  I literally sobbed when I heard the news that his little heart had stopped.  I even posted here that day about her loss and how it impacted my outlook on Baby Button.  I had thought that I could distance myself from pain again.  The loss of Jakin proved to me that it was impossible.  I could love again, and have my heart broken again......

To my point!!! Mattie contacted a few of us momma's to blog about What Love Really Means for the month of February.  If you follow her blog, you will see me on a certain day...*wink, wink*...hmmm....maybe, say Feb 6th?

I am so excited!  I hope I live up to all of these other amazing bloggers out there!!!!

Butterfly Kisses

Jamie's Quilt. 

 When she was born, we were enthralled with the perfection of her feet.   We could not keep our hands off of them.   We used her quilt for some of her NILMDTS photos.  She looked just precious on that quilt.  A few months later, I told hubby that I was going to embroider her name and her footprints on her quilt.  I was nervous, but he thought it was a good idea. 

 I chose brown to go with the quilt, but now wish I had gone with either a bolder larger font or a different color.  The background is so busy. 

But honestly...it doesn't matter....I love it.

So this leads to my charity:

 

I have finally perfected the digitizing and embroidery process.

Any baby loss momma that has a blanket or quilt that they would like to have their baby's name and footprints or handprints on....please contact me.

Yes....the footprints are the EXACT size of her actual footprints that were done at the hospital.  All I need is a scanned copy of your baby's or babies' footprints/handprints and the measurement (length and width) so that I can digitize them for my embroidery machine.

 
This is all free of charge.  I have already received a bit of funding to get this off the ground!

If you are currently carrying a baby with a very poor or fatal diagnosis and would like your baby's name on their blanket for their birth day, I can also help you out.  I have done a few already....and one of them actually defied his odds!  He is quite the healthy infant.  Boy, were those doctors wrong!

 If you are interested please fill out this FORM HERE or contact me on my FB page!

If You Believe



One of the MANY pictures I get sent from other babyloss mommas.....for her Name Gallery!



If You Believe

Mary Thompson

(dedicated to Lori and Frank Walsh, and baby Joseph)

He will guide you on your way-if you believe.

Roll the clouds of doubt away-if you believe.

God will hold you in His arms, give you hope when hope is gone.

(He will give you all you need-if you believe.)

He will calm you deepest fears-if you believe.

And dry up all your tears-if you believe.

God will take your broken heart,

In His hands the healing starts,

Then His peace you will receive-if you believe.

For God will never leave your side.

That’s a promise He provides.

He will see you through everything you do-

with His love.

You will feel Him call your name- if you believe.

And you’ll never be the same-if you believe.

God will fill your very soul with the grace

to make you whole.

And His love will set you free-if you believe.

A song written by a beautiful woman.

  For the past 4 years, we have gotten up Christmas morning and gone to Mass as soon as the gifts are open.  We try to make the Mass that we think we "know" that Mary and her family sing.  Just four of them and a guitar.  Every year, I cry.

But last year, I cried even harder.  I don't know how much Mary knows how much it meant to us for her to sing at Jamie Lynn's funeral.  It was comforting to know that she had been there for her own family member that went through a similar experience.  It is a burden and a blessing to carry a child knowing that your first Hello will also be your Goodbye. 

I was driving home today from work and this song (written above) came into my head.

 

I confess, I was tired.  I was tired of everyone asking if I was just ready to have this baby.

I answered, truthfully...honestly...I am great!  I am not uncomfortable at all.

  What I didn't say?  Button can stay in there as long as he/she needs. 

I just want Button to be okay...no matter what it takes.

I need to remember that I need to "believe"

....because that is all that counts in the end.

Baby Button

Looks healthy in there!

No problems with the bone lengths.

No problems with my amniotic fluid level.

No heart problems noted.  Heartbeat strong.

Ribs look like a normal babies.

Moving actively.

Chubby cheeks like brothers and sister.

And sticking his/her foot in mouth the whole ultrasound:

 

Can someone please explain?

WHY THE HECK AM I STILL TERRIFIED BUTTON WON'T COME HOME WITH ME?

A Very Special Gift

Daddy did it again!  He always amazes me with his thoughtfulness.  We don't generally exchange a bunch of gifts.  We usually agree to spend something on the house.  Once in a while there is a small gift under the tree.  I usually put together a picture gift of some sort (framed photo or photo album). 

This year, the boys really wanted to get Dad a gift with me that he had his eye on (the Dremel Trio).  I didn't really expect anything under the tree because we are busy "updating" different things in the house to get ready for Button's arrival.

Instead, there were two tiny boxes for me!  A necklace charm and bracelet from James Avery!

Aren't they beautiful?

  Butterflies to remember my Jamie and they even have my favorite flowers......daisies!!!!

My Angel's Ornaments

 I am sure I don't need to explain why Christmas was difficult last year.

I actually wanted to scrub the whole holidays, but I couldn't because of the other three gorgeous darlings we have.  They don't deserve to have the rest of their lifes drenched in darkness.

The boys have been so supportive since the moment we told them that Jamie was "sick" even before she was born.  They had as much hope as we did.

I can honestly say that I was there when all three of my boys first had their hearts broken.  It was the day they had to say goodbye to their little sister.

Last year, we found this cute angel ornament.  It isn't fabulous, but it seemed the best way for us to be able to have her precious feet forever on our tree.  We were so in love with the perfection of her tiny feet!

This year, we wanted to get another ornament.

How precious is the saying "A sister loves you at all times"!!

This Christmas we hung her ornaments on a silk tree in our "angel" room. 

Really, it is just a formal living room that we have dubbed the "Library".  It is where we have our formal living room furniture, bookcases, and a secretary desk. 

We renamed it so that it became a more approachable room for us to use.  There is someone in it everyday.

Why our "angel" room?  I have the ashes of our puppies that have left  us and I have a few sweet angel statues in there.

So I hope to have her tree in there next year!

We are in transition of purchasing new trees and have decided to wait until next year to get a special tree just for all of her ornaments.

I have some old pearl and pink colored ball ornaments I plan to use.  And of course, I found some more beautiful pearl and green ornaments.

I can't wait to do a whole tree just for her!!

My Special Surprise Today!



One of the dozen butterflies we released on Jamie's Birthday



Today, we received a letter from our oldest son.  He said it was a project he did in Religion class (have I mentioned how blessed we are to send our children to Catholic school!) 

The yellow ribbon that was tied around the piece of paper should have been a sign of how special it would be.  I opened it and at first glance noticed that it was written on a pink paper with pink roses and butterflies all over it!  Be still my heart, my moody thirteen year old pays attention!!!! 

The letter read:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Your blessings that you have bestowed upon me, have been generous and faithful.

I just want to say, that I love you and always will forever and ever.

I picked a psalm that was for a butterfly and was meant to be.

Blessed be God, who did not refuse me the kindness I sought in prayer.

Psalm 66:20.

Love J,

I Love You

Jamie, our darling butterfly, you are not always just on mommy and daddy's mind, but your sweet older brothers' also! 

And if you are wondering about the butterfly release in the picture,  

We can't say enough about The Butterfly Release Company. 

We were able to have a special inscription on the "envelopes".  We followed their exact delivery instructions and all of our butterflies arrived intact and made Jamie's 1st Birthday an unbelievable memory!!!

Jamie's Christmas Tree

   The craziness of the Christmas holidays are upon us.  I am having a tough time this year.  You would think with this "rainbow" baby on its way, that I would be happy.  Again, a perfect example why another little one can't replace the one who is gone.

    A little tree for our Jamie.  I will confess, I made this last Christmas.  I have so many projects in the works, that I don't have a single completed project to share! 

   I thought it was a good one to share considering she is so on my mind this month.  Here's to starting this a second holiday season without her. 

   JJ and I painted this plastic/resin tree that I picked up from Hobby Lobby last year.  We used layers of different pink paints to get different shades of pink.  We hot glued crystal and silver balls on after it dried. Then we used some cool paint called Snow-Tex by Deco Art.  It was so fun and cute to see little, big brother do something for his baby sister.  And it looks great next to her urn in my bedroom.

 

In the Jungle

the mighty jungle.....the lions sleep tonight.
The house is still, the monkeys are in there beds.  The lion is in his den snoring off the day's work.  I am the lioness, hunting in the night.  Hunting for answers that I know can never be answered.
Why her?  Why us?  Why?
The night is still.  Pacing does no good. Time to just wait for the sun to rise.

Drowning

No one likes the sad girl. They want the happy girl to come back.

I am drowning.  Drowning in all of my responsibilities, sadness, pain, along with my hopes and dreams.  Swimming towards the dock, but being grabbed by some unknown forces, deep at the bottom of the lake.  The weight of the water is sometimes too much to bear.   I can gasp at the top of the water for a second, but then I am violently yanked under.  Sometimes it seems easier to stay under.

I dream of floating aimlessly, camly again.  How can I ever do that, if I can't reach the top of the water and take a full breathe of air.

Dear God, can you please throw me a life vest?

Carnival

The rides are bright and colorful.  People are smiling, laughing, eating as they wait in lines.  The games are noisy.  Delightful, happy screaming can be heard in the distance.  The rides move quickly and frenetically. Huge stuffed animals hang from the arms of big, burly men.  There are tears on little ones that just can't seem to win the coveted prize.  Sticky fingers.  Food encrusted mouths.  Babies crashed out in their strollers.  Moms that are irritated with the child that just doesn't seem to listen.  Mom and dads with cameras hanging from their necks in hopeful anticipation of the lasting memory. Moms that are drinking in the sight of their child's first pony ride.   Dads proud of their children for riding that scary rollercoaster.  Teenagers moving in packs, oblivious to the world around them. Little girls running with pig tails and colorful dresses.  Little boys with tussled hair, wearing their jeans and cowboy boots. 

A little girl with wispy blonde hair and the sweetest dress, passes by me.  Her thumb in her mouth and her other hand tugging her ear.  She looks right at me.  She could be my Jamie.

Jamie should be here for her first carnival. 

 She should be bright eyed and taking in all of the sounds and sights. 

She should be here....

Christmas Letter 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

I will start off saying that this year’s letter might be a bit different for us, so please hang in there through the end! 

 We announced to the boys In March that the arrival of a baby brother or sister was due November 13th.   They could not contain their excitement!  To be big brothers…what a boon!  They debated about whether it would be a boy or girl.  They argued where he or she would sleep.  They guessed at different names at the dinner table.  They debated whether it should be a “J” name.  They battled with us constantly to find out what sex we were having, even though I stubbornly refused to find out.  The dust settled when the school year ended, and the family was excited to enjoy the preparation of the nursery over the summer.   Oh the bliss!

On June 24^th, our lives were forever changed.  We received the worst news a parent could ever imagine to hear.  At our routine ultrasound, they discovered there might be something seriously wrong with the baby.  After an amniocentesis, a fetal MRI, numerous high level ultrasounds, countless appointments with doctors and specialists, the verdict was given.  Our baby had a lethal skeletal dysplasia, or in layman’s terms, a fatal dwarfism.

 Despite recommendations, we decided to hold onto hope that he or she would have a “normal” dwarfism and give the baby the best possible chance and carry to term.  As the weeks went by, it became increasingly clear that our hello would also be our goodbye.  We instead changed our course to prepare for the worst and hope that we would at least not lose the baby before the delivery.  We gathered our courage and strength, and hoped that we could celebrate this child’s life, as short as it would probably be.

We planned all that we could to make sure we had a professional photographer, a special outfit, and a plan of care for comfort.  We also decided to wait for the surprise of boy or girl, since it would be one of the only things we could be excited about.  The baby went to most of big brother Butter's tennis matches.  There was wiggling and squirming while listening to Bean's guitar.  We endured the ferocious Houston heat while watching little, big brother Bunny's play in summer baseball tournaments.  Never was there a more active baby to remind us of its presence.  And every night, we settled to sleep after a nightly hug and kiss from Bunny and sometimes a lullaby from mommy. Despite the baby’s failing health and mine, we were able to make it a couple days shy of 36 weeks.  It was decided that a cesarean section would be the best way to deliver, due to both baby and my health complications.

On October 14^th at 7:39am, Jamie Lynn entered this world with the tiniest cry. Like her brothers, she was nice and hefty at 5lbs, 4oz despite being four weeks early.  She was a mere 14.5 inches long from her perfect head to her perfect little toes.  With her too small limbs, and chest too tiny to survive this world long, Daddy quickly baptized her with the healing waters from Lourdes, France gifted to us by Father Drew.  After a short snuggle with me, he swept her away to be introduced to her big brothers.  A short time later, which felt like an eternity, we were all reunited as a family.  We were able to dress her in clothes washed and smelling like home.  We exclaimed over her shocking full head of the whitest blonde hair.  The boys declared her “cute”.  We adored her tiny hands and her, oh so perfect, feet.  Aaron was enthralled with his sweet baby girl. 

We were together as a family, as she drifted away, her perfect little footprints etched on our hearts forever at 8:54am.

Her immediate family arrived to celebrate her life at a memorial Funeral Mass on November 14^th.  With Father D__ presiding, Mary T__ singing solo, and family gathered round, we said our final goodbyes and wished her well on her journey.  As Father D___ said during his homily, if we had opened the funeral to all family and friends, it would be a packed house indeed.  He couldn’t have been further from the truth.

And this brings me to the conclusion of our letter.   It has always been clear to us in the past, but more so now, that we are loved by the outpouring of prayers, thoughts, and letters from so many near and afar.  We are heartily thankful to all those who made donations to the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization that provided us with the most beautiful photos of her.  To those who are just getting this news, we apologize.  This has been the most difficult burden to bear, and even more painful to share.  I apologize for not delivering a more traditional G_ Family Christmas Letter.   However, to not tell Jamie Lynn’s story, would be to dishonor her life and her memory.

For our family, the year of 2009 belongs to Jamie.  And always will….

Mommy, Daddy, Butter, Bean, and Button

"An Angel in the Book of Life Wrote Down our Baby's Birth,

And Whispered as She Closed the Book,

Too Beautiful for Earth."