Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

Windmills always make me feel free...don't know why!

The 31st!!!!   I can't tell you how happy that I made it!  

Persevered.  Fought.  Cried.  Pushed.  Wavered.  Conquered.

31 days was a bit much for me.  Countered with the fact that October is Jamie's birthday, this blog challenge was a bit more difficult than it would have been any other month.

Has it helped me be more open?  I don't think so.  If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought opening up was easy, I would have answered
"I am an open book".

While carrying Jamie, the one thing I learned about myself was that I actually am a VERY private person.  When I told dear hubby my surprise at this revelation, he looked at me with humor and remarked 

"You didn't know that?  I ALWAYS knew that!".

Funny...no one mentioned it to me.

So the reality is...

In everyday life, I am pretty private about my pursuits, my thoughts, my stories, my life, my faith, and my grief.  

But my blog has always been a place for me to share them.  I don't feel any more or less open here. I AM glad that I moved Butterfly Kisses to it's own home.  It would have been too overwhelming on Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies!

I will try to be more quiet for awhile.  I think this was overload for a blog.

Always, feel free to email me with any topic you'd like to hear about.  There are a million of them! 

And keep those Butterfly Kiss requests coming.......My machine has been quiet the last few weeks......

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

Since it is the third time we are experiencing the holidays...I hope it goes well.  

Hopefully, we will be a bit distracted by baby Button's first Christmas.

But it is always hard to see those little toddlers with their bouncy blond curls in beautiful dresses.  

We can't help but picture Jamie.....

And we will always hang her stocking by the chimney with care....

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

A Bead-filled Bezel I made, over at Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies

I like to believe in Heaven.

Is this difficult to believe?

Yes!

Faith is a tough thing when you prayed and prayed for your child to live when she was born.   

But.

If I don't have Faith.

I won't see her again.

I want to. 

I HAVE TO!

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

"No girls?"

This statement is WORSE than fingernails on a chalkboard.  I thought it was just me, but dear hubby agrees.  

• First off, it reminds me (not that I really forget) that she isn't here.  I never forget it, but sometimes life is a bit easier if I am not thinking of her 24hrs a day.  That would require admission to the local loony bin for me.  So having someone say this is a kick in the pants if I am having a good day.

• Gee, thanks for making my boys feel bad.  I guess four boys is horrible and I SHOULD have a girl?

• This reminds me of the book I am going to write some day.  "What not to say to parents..."   Thanks for more material!

EDITED TO ADD:  I realize I didn't really answer the question, because I didn't have anything to really say...so I told you something I hate.   This is all that keeps popping in my head.

Day 27: Share a picture.

Twist my arm, why don't you?

 

Poor followers.....you probably are sick of me!!!  

Only 4 days to go and I will give you a break.

I promise!!!

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

Not a bad day.

Not a perfect day.

A little cloud over my head for dear hubby.  He has a lot on his plate right now.

But overall, a nice day......so far.

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

HONESTY HERE:  Getting burnt out on the blog challenge.....but fighting through.  Only seven days left.  What would it say about my character if I didn't finish what I started, right?

OOPS!   I think  I answered today's question yesterday!

So now I will answer yesterday's correctly....How do I HANDLE them...emotionally?

I don't know.  There is no way to "handle" you emotions....really.   You can control the outward expressions of your emotions, but you can't control how, when, or what emotion you will be feeling from day to day...moment to moment.

I'd like to think that from the outside looking in...the others around me think I am handling things beautifully.  I say this, because a few of them have told me so.

But from the inside, looking out? 

 

I am trapped.   

Trapped in my glass house.  I am barred from leaving my threshold by the grief that keeps the door sealed.  I can look out and see things clearly on some days.  The sun comes in and warms my house and my heart.  Some days, the fog is blocking my view.  I can't see beyond the pain.

Those around me can sometimes see into me very clearly, but most times, the tinting on the window just reflects back what they are feeling.  If they are happy, they see happy.  If they are sad, they see sad. 

  Every once in a while the grief opens the doors and allows them to visit.  But usually it is only for a short time.  They are guided back to the porch to enjoy the sunshine.

I cannot predict what kind of day it will be.  It could start with a sunny morning and end in the stormiest of nights.  It could gently rain all day.  It could be a raging hurricane with no end in sight.

So how do I handle the days. 

I can't.  

I don't know exactly what the weather will be like.

This morning?

It looks like a clear day with no clouds in sight.