If only he made the bed.....perfection!

Fourteen years and four kids ago, I married a young man.   I was 21 and he was 22 on that day. So young!!!  Yes, we have gone through our trials.  We have learned to accept our frailties and weaknesses along with each other's strengths.  When our boys ask us how they will know they are marrying the right girl, we both say "you have to love her for her faults as well as her virtues!"

He made concessions when my job had to be first.  We marched to the Army's tune together.  When it was his "turn", I was his biggest chearleader.  We have had our share of drama with our families and friends.  We have moved nine times and cannot believe our luck to have been in one place the last seven years!  We have lost pets and family members.  We have fought, cried, laughed, and loved.

We went to dinner the other night for our "celebration".  Since quiet time is so precious, we were able to commiserate on how busy our lives have been ever since.  We often say that we don't get a "break".  But in reality, who would want one?!?!

Of course, at some point Jamie Lynn came up in our conversation. It is amazing how the loss of a child can make a couple closer.  Every day I hear the horrifying statistics of divorce rates of couples who have lost a child.  For us, her death has forged the bond stronger.

I have felt my love evolve and mature over the years.  I realize that there is still some work to be done.  I just hope I am able to still say that the young boy who is now an amazing man is my everything for years to come.

Butterflies

On Easter Sunday, after returning from church, I asked God to give me a sign that day.  Please God, tell me that you are there, so I know that I will see my Jamie Lynn again.  Please tell me that my faith in You makes sense.

He answered with a butterfly quietly landing in a field of wildflowers next to our home.  

Since Easter, I have had many visits from butterflies.  Daily and more than once a day.

Butterflies single, gliding on the wind.  Pairs fluttering together.  One lands on a pot nearby.  Another steps into some avacado dip. "Why, yes, help yourself Mr. Butterfly."

They come in all colors...orange, yellow-orange, dark yellow, light yellow, yellow with spots, orange with spots.  Black with orange stripes.  Black with yellow stripes. 

Butterflies in the early morning as I sip my coffee.  I close my eyes to bask in the afternoon sun.  When I open them, two zig-zag in the near distance.   A butterfly lands on my shoulder as I contemplate a sunset. 

Butterflies flitter-flutter around the boys as they frolic in the yard.  They are oblivious to the perfection of the scene.

Butterflies when I think of her. When I am not thinking of her...to remind me.  

Daddy taps my shoulder.  He points.  I smile.  Of course.  Another butterfly.  We smile at each other. 

It is our little secret, Butterfly.

"Enter each day with the expectation that the happenings of the day may contain a clandestine message addressed to you personally. Expect omens, epiphanies, casual blessings, and teachers who unknowingly speak to your condition."

 --Sam Keen

In the Jungle

the mighty jungle.....the lions sleep tonight.
The house is still, the monkeys are in there beds.  The lion is in his den snoring off the day's work.  I am the lioness, hunting in the night.  Hunting for answers that I know can never be answered.
Why her?  Why us?  Why?
The night is still.  Pacing does no good. Time to just wait for the sun to rise.

Faith

Even six months after losing my Jamie, I have heard the whole gammit.  I even read that I needed to forgive someone for my loss...i.e. forgive the drunk driver, etc. 

But I kept thinking, who am I supposed to forgive?  God?  But all say that He didn't do this. 

Why would God purposely give my daughter a fatal condition?  To have me carry her? 

Yes, I understand...but why give so much pain?

SOOO, three things have happened just this week!!!

1.  I read a post by a mom who also had a child with a fatal condition.  She said...."Thank you God for taking my child so he would not suffer in this world."

 WOW!  God didn't do this to my baby...it is just one of those things that happen on this Earth.  God saved my baby from living with her horrible condition...suffering on this Earth.

2.  I read in a book..."The God I know has experienced pain and torment and therefore understands my pain.  The Incarnation means that God cares so much that he chose to become human and suffer loss, though he never had to.  He is not aloof from my suffering, but draws near to me when I suffer. "

3.  I just recieved a beautiful letter from a friend and in it he spoke of  a bible class he was a part of.  A man in his class stood up and said ."A message prepared in the mind reaches minds, a message prepared in the heart reaches hearts, but a message prepared in a life reaches lives." The man then proceeded to tell the story of the loss of their child 13 years ago.  He described how his wife spends much of her time ministering to those who also are devastated.

All three of those things have made me go Hmmmm.  And I have had a bit of a better skip in my step.  In the end, it is our choice to have faith in Him.

Faith "that we find joy in our trials".

Drowning

No one likes the sad girl. They want the happy girl to come back.

I am drowning.  Drowning in all of my responsibilities, sadness, pain, along with my hopes and dreams.  Swimming towards the dock, but being grabbed by some unknown forces, deep at the bottom of the lake.  The weight of the water is sometimes too much to bear.   I can gasp at the top of the water for a second, but then I am violently yanked under.  Sometimes it seems easier to stay under.

I dream of floating aimlessly, camly again.  How can I ever do that, if I can't reach the top of the water and take a full breathe of air.

Dear God, can you please throw me a life vest?

Carnival

The rides are bright and colorful.  People are smiling, laughing, eating as they wait in lines.  The games are noisy.  Delightful, happy screaming can be heard in the distance.  The rides move quickly and frenetically. Huge stuffed animals hang from the arms of big, burly men.  There are tears on little ones that just can't seem to win the coveted prize.  Sticky fingers.  Food encrusted mouths.  Babies crashed out in their strollers.  Moms that are irritated with the child that just doesn't seem to listen.  Mom and dads with cameras hanging from their necks in hopeful anticipation of the lasting memory. Moms that are drinking in the sight of their child's first pony ride.   Dads proud of their children for riding that scary rollercoaster.  Teenagers moving in packs, oblivious to the world around them. Little girls running with pig tails and colorful dresses.  Little boys with tussled hair, wearing their jeans and cowboy boots. 

A little girl with wispy blonde hair and the sweetest dress, passes by me.  Her thumb in her mouth and her other hand tugging her ear.  She looks right at me.  She could be my Jamie.

Jamie should be here for her first carnival. 

 She should be bright eyed and taking in all of the sounds and sights. 

She should be here....

Marriage: A Fragile Union

It occurred to me yesterday that marriage is such a fragile union.  No matter how strong the relationship, it seems to be so easily broken. 

Yesterday, we found out news that some friends of ours are getting a divorce.  We did not see it coming.  This was a couple that would constantly show public affection, not the inappropriate kind, but the kind that you sometimes wish you had more of with your own spouse.  We don't know the details, but they have three beautiful, young boys and for whatever reason, are going to tear their family apart. 

I am stunned.  I am confused.  I am concerned.  What does it take to break a family apart?  What happens to a couple that they can sit their children down and say, "Your dad and I can't live together anymore". 

I don't pretend to be naive.  I am a product of a young divorced couple.  I can say I have survived, but I survived without my father being a part of my life.  The marriage was so broken, that the aftermath caused my father to walk away.  He felt that it was better to let my mom have peace then to have the constant "fight" they had even unmarried.

I look at my husband of 13 years.  I am scared.  Our oldest son turned 13 yesterday.  We have a teenage son!  I look at my three sons and cannot fathom what would crush this family.  I have always said that I would leave my husband if he ever cheated on me or hurt me. But yesterday, I even dared to tell my husband that if he had an adulterous affair, that I would probably be broken, but wouldn't be able to leave him.  I love him that much.  I need him that much.

He shook his head, walked out of the room.  Then he returned, with Jamie Lynn's tiny heart urn with her ashes, cradled in his hands, and said, "This is why I will never do something to hurt you or ever leave you." 

I think I fell in love with him all over again.