Words of Courage

A question asked by a fellow babyloss mom:

"Words of Courage. 

Any come to mind for a particularly cloudy day full of missing her?"

Dear sweet Laura,

I wish I could tell you the perfect answer.  I will just tell you what I do when I have a cloudy day.  

I DON'T FIGHT IT!

I curl up with her quilt.

I sometimes grab her teddy.

See her sitting on the memory box?  Yes, she is a girl!

I sometimes pull out her scrapbook just so I can see her.

I put a sad movie in.  Steel Magnolias if I am feeling like I need to "Go Sally" on someone.   Tinkerbell because that is the Disney character I associate her with.  I would have watched Tinkerbell to the end of time with her.  

Lately,  Rabbit Hole has been working for me. 

It helps me remember that my husband is grieving too, just in a different way.

But my point in all of this? 

It is that I allow myself to have the cloudy day once in awhile.  

If I try to fight through it...things only get worse for me....

((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Angel of God

Angel of God, My Guardian Dear

to whom God's love commits me here.

Ever this day be at my side

to light, and guard and rule and guide.

Amen.

So I am going to lay it all out tonight.  Hope you are ready for it!!!

Last night, I was ANGRY.

I know that I am angry more and more every day because Jamie isn't here and James is.  It isn't that I don't love him....I SOOOO do.  But dammit, why couldn't I just have both of them.

I know I am angry because Dr. G said that my uterus was VERY thin.  Emphasis on VERY.  I wasn't "done" having babies.  Looks like the choice might be taken out of my hands.

I am angry because I wanted things to be perfect when James was born.  I wanted to just spend time with James ALL alone. I wanted to "room in" with him. He was one week and five days old when I finally had him all to myself.  It should have been the first night he was born.  Instead, I didn't even get to hold him until he was already one day old.  And even then, it was for the shortest bit of time.

 I was VERY angry at anyone and all on his third day in the NICU.  I was terrified that I was going to leave the hospital without a baby in my arms. I wanted the boys to see him while I was in the hospital, not the first day I came home. 

I am angry because I wanted to cry during those quiet times at night at the hospital.  I still haven't.  The sob is just balled up in my throat.  Waiting.....


BUT.......

God decided to nudge me.  Last night, after big brothers were tucked in and Daddy went to bed, I was alone.  Alone with James.  As he fell asleep in my arms, I realized that he was giggling in his sleep.   He was smiling.  I know, I know...babies don't smile, but he WAS!  He also has this amazing ability to play with his fingers.  We noticed it the very first night we saw him.   His hands extend out as if they are "petting" someone.  He touches us with the tips of his fingers instead of having the normal clenched newborn fists.  He loves to pull his blanket over his head.  He will fuss until his hands and arms are released from the confines of the swaddling blanket.   It looks like he is waving his arms and playing games with someone in his dreams.

Then it hit me.   Is he playing with his sister?  Is she watching over him?

When I went into the OR, I didn't have any jewelry on except for the heart shaped charm my dear friends gave me.  It has an angel cradling a baby in her arms.  It has Jamie Lynn's name engraved on the back.  It was blessed by Fr. Drew.  The nurse made me take it off, so I handed it to Aaron.  After they prepped me in the OR and he came in to sit with me, I felt something in my hand.  My darling husband placed that necklace in my hand.  And we prayed.  After the surger, I wore it the whole time I was in the hospital. And one of our favorite photos is this one: 

This photo was taken the very first time I got to hold him.  It was a very gratifying feeling to hold him right on my chest.  He became less fussy, opened his eyes, and his breathing slowed down to a normal rate.  My anxiety flittered away.  It felt so good to hold him.

Can you see the necklace?

I am more and more convinced that she is looking out for him.  As we play out the scenario that led to his platelet transfusion, I realize how perilous his situation would have been if he had not had trouble breathing in the OR.  He would not have been whisked to the NICU.  He would not have had his blood tested.   We would not have known that his platelets were so dangerously low.  I have to now believe that all of it happened for a reason.

I think he officially has his very own Guardian Angel.

And that balled up sob....tears of gratefulness flowed while I held my most precious boy in the wee hours of the night.  The ball is much smaller today.

But I am still waiting........

A New Beginning

"Every end is a new beginning"

-Proverb

Today was a tough day. 

 I woke up sad knowing that I was walking into the school clinic that I work at  for the last time.  This also happens to be where my boys go to school.

I REALLY loved my job.  But after much prayer and plain common sense, I realized my family needed me home again.

I won't deny that I will LOVE to be home all day with this Button. 

 However, it is with mixed emotions that I packed up my things this afternoon.

Of course, I can't stay away from that place.   I will be helping out with screenings.  Doing some substituting if needed. It is a second home to me.  I just felt so welcomed and loved by all. I knew that on any given day, I could walk in cranky and walk out smiling.  Feeling like I made a difference in some child's life.

I also think it makes the arrival of Button all the more REAL.  I have had this date in place since New Year's as my "last day" before maternity leave.  Then a few weeks ago, it became my "LAST day" at work.  The date was set because we knew my repeat c-section was the next week and I wanted to work as close as possible to that date.  I would go in to work on Monday and Tuesday if hubby would let me!

  I already know that I am going to start crawling up walls in anticipation in a mere few hours.  Not the "normal" kind, but the kind that is filled with anxiety, worry, sadness, anger, and whatever else emotion decides to bubble to the top!  This "rainbow" baby stuff is a lot harder than I EVER imagined!

So I am going to focus on my "end" being a "beginning".  I will force myself to forsee a future with a child that will actually come home with us.  I will help hubby put the carseat together this weekend.  And even one step furthur...put it in the car.  I will take tags off some of the baby blankets and clothes and actually wash them.

Because Button is my new beginning.





Love Lives Here

 "In our life there is a single color,

as on an artist's palette,
 which provides the meaning of life and art.

It is the color of love."

-Marc Chagall

If you recall, my friend, Mattie, invited a few of us to blog about love this month.   Her blog, Beauty Will Rise, is where you can learn about her triumphs and trials through the loss of her precious darlings, Shyla Joy and Jakin. 

Today is my turn to write a bit about love for the project called What Love Really Means.  Follow the button on the sidebar to read more from some amazing bloggers.  I am thoroughly enjoying them myself the past few days and completely honored that she asked me to join in!!

LOVE LIVES HERE

If you haven't noticed, when I set up this blog, my description was and still is "A place to incorporate my love...My love for my children.  My love for my family.  My love for crafts.  My love for life!!!" 

 So, I find it very fitting to finally write about my love!

 

"Love is coming face to face with the knowledge

 that you've found the best friend you'll ever have in this world"

-Lucy Murray

18 years ago, I was a mere 17 years old when I met my husband.  He helped me move into my college dorm.  14 years ago, we married shortly after I graduated from nursing school.  I am flabbergasted how many times we have moved, the amount of changes in our lives that have occurred, and the blessings we have been given along the way.  We both have had the opportunity to grow in our careers, our hobbies, and our spirituality.  I have had the honor of staying home for many years.  I have been working part-time as the clinic nurse at my boys' school...a dream come true.  

 We have three AMAZING boys that we can't imagine life without. 

"Now I know what love is"

  -Virgil

Even with our normal lives, stressful times, we had no idea how one small little bundle would rock our world a little over a year ago.  We found out that our daughter, at 18wk gestation, had a fatal condition.  We were encouraged/instructed that early termination was the best idea. 

 Our own hearts guided us differently.  We decided to carry her as long as we could. 

Jamie Lynn arrived and our life has never been the same.

"You will find as you look back upon your life

that the moments when you have truly lived

are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

-Henry Drummond

I often say that the day she was born, you could feel the bubble of love in that room.  A bubble of peace and tranquility.  My mom comments that God was in that bubble with us. I don't think she is far off.  The world around us continued, but we stopped.  We stopped to be with her.  Our boys were there to see their sister alive and then silently drift away from us.  My husband and I turned and clung to each other in our grief.

   I witnessed the day that my boys' hearts were first broken. I pray that they never have them shattered and splintered like that ever again.

  I know that in that room, we realized how precious each of us are to each other. 

  I would never want that taken away from any of us.

"Love is love's reward" 

 -John Dryden

And I know that through our love for her, our lovely Butterfly.....we could only see the arrival of our new bundle "Baby Button" in a mere week and a half as such a precious gift from above.  

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get

-only with what you are expecting to give-

which is everything."

-Katharine Hepburn

After she was gone, I could only continue to put my love in my sewing and crafting. Love into being with my family.  Love into taking care of my boys.
 Really, love into everything that I do. 

 I try to honor the fact that God gave me the gift of my husband. He gave me the gift of my boys.  He gave me a gift of another baby.  He gave me the gift to create. AND He gave me the gift of Jamie.

 Instead of wallowing in grief, I can use her life as inspiration for my life.  Inspiration for my personal charity for other baby loss mommas. 
I can share my journey with other moms that are facing grief, loss, and pain.

I can "do" what she never can.

Because I love her that much...

What Love Really Means

A special lady, Mattie, that I have "met" through the internet after the loss of Jamie has an awesome blog called Beauty Will Rise.  I wish my blog was as AWESOME as hers! She is an amazing person!  I will never forget when we exchanged gifts for Christmas 2009 with some moms that had lost their November babies.  She sent me some very special gifts, all which were perfect.  I wish I had thought to take pictures!

  My heart was very raw at the time, and her gifts helped put a healing ointment on that wound.  I will never forget her baby girl...Shyla Joy.  Without the loss of our precious girls, both due in the month of November that year, we would never have crossed paths.

I was so thrilled when I heard the news that she was carrying her rainbow baby.  I was terrified when she told us the news that little Jakin's heart was not working as well as it should be.  I literally sobbed when I heard the news that his little heart had stopped.  I even posted here that day about her loss and how it impacted my outlook on Baby Button.  I had thought that I could distance myself from pain again.  The loss of Jakin proved to me that it was impossible.  I could love again, and have my heart broken again......

To my point!!! Mattie contacted a few of us momma's to blog about What Love Really Means for the month of February.  If you follow her blog, you will see me on a certain day...*wink, wink*...hmmm....maybe, say Feb 6th?

I am so excited!  I hope I live up to all of these other amazing bloggers out there!!!!

Carnival

The rides are bright and colorful.  People are smiling, laughing, eating as they wait in lines.  The games are noisy.  Delightful, happy screaming can be heard in the distance.  The rides move quickly and frenetically. Huge stuffed animals hang from the arms of big, burly men.  There are tears on little ones that just can't seem to win the coveted prize.  Sticky fingers.  Food encrusted mouths.  Babies crashed out in their strollers.  Moms that are irritated with the child that just doesn't seem to listen.  Mom and dads with cameras hanging from their necks in hopeful anticipation of the lasting memory. Moms that are drinking in the sight of their child's first pony ride.   Dads proud of their children for riding that scary rollercoaster.  Teenagers moving in packs, oblivious to the world around them. Little girls running with pig tails and colorful dresses.  Little boys with tussled hair, wearing their jeans and cowboy boots. 

A little girl with wispy blonde hair and the sweetest dress, passes by me.  Her thumb in her mouth and her other hand tugging her ear.  She looks right at me.  She could be my Jamie.

Jamie should be here for her first carnival. 

 She should be bright eyed and taking in all of the sounds and sights. 

She should be here....

Christmas Letter 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

I will start off saying that this year’s letter might be a bit different for us, so please hang in there through the end! 

 We announced to the boys In March that the arrival of a baby brother or sister was due November 13th.   They could not contain their excitement!  To be big brothers…what a boon!  They debated about whether it would be a boy or girl.  They argued where he or she would sleep.  They guessed at different names at the dinner table.  They debated whether it should be a “J” name.  They battled with us constantly to find out what sex we were having, even though I stubbornly refused to find out.  The dust settled when the school year ended, and the family was excited to enjoy the preparation of the nursery over the summer.   Oh the bliss!

On June 24^th, our lives were forever changed.  We received the worst news a parent could ever imagine to hear.  At our routine ultrasound, they discovered there might be something seriously wrong with the baby.  After an amniocentesis, a fetal MRI, numerous high level ultrasounds, countless appointments with doctors and specialists, the verdict was given.  Our baby had a lethal skeletal dysplasia, or in layman’s terms, a fatal dwarfism.

 Despite recommendations, we decided to hold onto hope that he or she would have a “normal” dwarfism and give the baby the best possible chance and carry to term.  As the weeks went by, it became increasingly clear that our hello would also be our goodbye.  We instead changed our course to prepare for the worst and hope that we would at least not lose the baby before the delivery.  We gathered our courage and strength, and hoped that we could celebrate this child’s life, as short as it would probably be.

We planned all that we could to make sure we had a professional photographer, a special outfit, and a plan of care for comfort.  We also decided to wait for the surprise of boy or girl, since it would be one of the only things we could be excited about.  The baby went to most of big brother Butter's tennis matches.  There was wiggling and squirming while listening to Bean's guitar.  We endured the ferocious Houston heat while watching little, big brother Bunny's play in summer baseball tournaments.  Never was there a more active baby to remind us of its presence.  And every night, we settled to sleep after a nightly hug and kiss from Bunny and sometimes a lullaby from mommy. Despite the baby’s failing health and mine, we were able to make it a couple days shy of 36 weeks.  It was decided that a cesarean section would be the best way to deliver, due to both baby and my health complications.

On October 14^th at 7:39am, Jamie Lynn entered this world with the tiniest cry. Like her brothers, she was nice and hefty at 5lbs, 4oz despite being four weeks early.  She was a mere 14.5 inches long from her perfect head to her perfect little toes.  With her too small limbs, and chest too tiny to survive this world long, Daddy quickly baptized her with the healing waters from Lourdes, France gifted to us by Father Drew.  After a short snuggle with me, he swept her away to be introduced to her big brothers.  A short time later, which felt like an eternity, we were all reunited as a family.  We were able to dress her in clothes washed and smelling like home.  We exclaimed over her shocking full head of the whitest blonde hair.  The boys declared her “cute”.  We adored her tiny hands and her, oh so perfect, feet.  Aaron was enthralled with his sweet baby girl. 

We were together as a family, as she drifted away, her perfect little footprints etched on our hearts forever at 8:54am.

Her immediate family arrived to celebrate her life at a memorial Funeral Mass on November 14^th.  With Father D__ presiding, Mary T__ singing solo, and family gathered round, we said our final goodbyes and wished her well on her journey.  As Father D___ said during his homily, if we had opened the funeral to all family and friends, it would be a packed house indeed.  He couldn’t have been further from the truth.

And this brings me to the conclusion of our letter.   It has always been clear to us in the past, but more so now, that we are loved by the outpouring of prayers, thoughts, and letters from so many near and afar.  We are heartily thankful to all those who made donations to the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization that provided us with the most beautiful photos of her.  To those who are just getting this news, we apologize.  This has been the most difficult burden to bear, and even more painful to share.  I apologize for not delivering a more traditional G_ Family Christmas Letter.   However, to not tell Jamie Lynn’s story, would be to dishonor her life and her memory.

For our family, the year of 2009 belongs to Jamie.  And always will….

Mommy, Daddy, Butter, Bean, and Button

"An Angel in the Book of Life Wrote Down our Baby's Birth,

And Whispered as She Closed the Book,

Too Beautiful for Earth."

Jamie Lynn

Announcing the birth of our daughter….

  We were blessed to spend a little over an hour together as a family. She is now a beautiful angel in heaven watching over our family.  We thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts, and prayers through this difficult time these past few months.   In lieu of flowers or gifts, we would appreciate donations to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Organization that sent a volunteer professional photographer to take photos of Jamie at no cost to our family, for lasting memories.  Donations can be made at nowilaymedowntosleep.org in her name.