Friday, I felt pressure. Pressure so tight, I couldn't stand it.
I felt like my chest was being crushed.
My shoulders could no longer take any more weight.
I opened my email. A note. A school note that said that my son had "failed to bring supplies/work to class". Not a big deal really.
But it was.
I failed him. I didn't remember that it was due this Friday. He had told me several times the last three weeks. I forgot.
I failed him.
I walked up to get Button out of his crib. He popped up and gave me the biggest smile. I started sniffling as I changed his diaper. I had uncontrollable, silent tears as I snapped him into his car seat.
As I drove...the tears flowed. I couldn't stop them. No noise, just tears. As if my eyes were rivers and streams....waterfalls that I couldn't control.
But the pressure was still there.
My grown young man climbed into the car when I arrived. My sunglasses on, but tears still streaming. I apologized for my appearance and told him I had hoped his friends hadn't seen me.
He asked "what's wrong?".
I simply said, "I am just sad. I feel like such a failure as a mom".
In the pause, I know he heard "you boys struggle so at your schools. I wish I could cure the dyslexia your younger brothers have. I hope I don't screw up your baby brother."
I know he heard in the pause "And, God, I failed your sister. I couldn't save her."
It slammed me. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. Enough that I had to pull over in the parking lot.
He patted me on my shoulder. He consoled me. He told me that I was a "great mom..you are doing fine".
I had gathered myself by the time we arrived to pick up the younger two. We arrived home. I pretended I was better for their sake.
I was tired.
Then Bunny gave me a folded up piece of paper right before he went to bed.
I opened it and smiled.
And all the pressure was gone.
