A New Beginning

"Every end is a new beginning"

-Proverb

Today was a tough day. 

 I woke up sad knowing that I was walking into the school clinic that I work at  for the last time.  This also happens to be where my boys go to school.

I REALLY loved my job.  But after much prayer and plain common sense, I realized my family needed me home again.

I won't deny that I will LOVE to be home all day with this Button. 

 However, it is with mixed emotions that I packed up my things this afternoon.

Of course, I can't stay away from that place.   I will be helping out with screenings.  Doing some substituting if needed. It is a second home to me.  I just felt so welcomed and loved by all. I knew that on any given day, I could walk in cranky and walk out smiling.  Feeling like I made a difference in some child's life.

I also think it makes the arrival of Button all the more REAL.  I have had this date in place since New Year's as my "last day" before maternity leave.  Then a few weeks ago, it became my "LAST day" at work.  The date was set because we knew my repeat c-section was the next week and I wanted to work as close as possible to that date.  I would go in to work on Monday and Tuesday if hubby would let me!

  I already know that I am going to start crawling up walls in anticipation in a mere few hours.  Not the "normal" kind, but the kind that is filled with anxiety, worry, sadness, anger, and whatever else emotion decides to bubble to the top!  This "rainbow" baby stuff is a lot harder than I EVER imagined!

So I am going to focus on my "end" being a "beginning".  I will force myself to forsee a future with a child that will actually come home with us.  I will help hubby put the carseat together this weekend.  And even one step furthur...put it in the car.  I will take tags off some of the baby blankets and clothes and actually wash them.

Because Button is my new beginning.





Love Lives Here

 "In our life there is a single color,

as on an artist's palette,
 which provides the meaning of life and art.

It is the color of love."

-Marc Chagall

If you recall, my friend, Mattie, invited a few of us to blog about love this month.   Her blog, Beauty Will Rise, is where you can learn about her triumphs and trials through the loss of her precious darlings, Shyla Joy and Jakin. 

Today is my turn to write a bit about love for the project called What Love Really Means.  Follow the button on the sidebar to read more from some amazing bloggers.  I am thoroughly enjoying them myself the past few days and completely honored that she asked me to join in!!

LOVE LIVES HERE

If you haven't noticed, when I set up this blog, my description was and still is "A place to incorporate my love...My love for my children.  My love for my family.  My love for crafts.  My love for life!!!" 

 So, I find it very fitting to finally write about my love!

 

"Love is coming face to face with the knowledge

 that you've found the best friend you'll ever have in this world"

-Lucy Murray

18 years ago, I was a mere 17 years old when I met my husband.  He helped me move into my college dorm.  14 years ago, we married shortly after I graduated from nursing school.  I am flabbergasted how many times we have moved, the amount of changes in our lives that have occurred, and the blessings we have been given along the way.  We both have had the opportunity to grow in our careers, our hobbies, and our spirituality.  I have had the honor of staying home for many years.  I have been working part-time as the clinic nurse at my boys' school...a dream come true.  

 We have three AMAZING boys that we can't imagine life without. 

"Now I know what love is"

  -Virgil

Even with our normal lives, stressful times, we had no idea how one small little bundle would rock our world a little over a year ago.  We found out that our daughter, at 18wk gestation, had a fatal condition.  We were encouraged/instructed that early termination was the best idea. 

 Our own hearts guided us differently.  We decided to carry her as long as we could. 

Jamie Lynn arrived and our life has never been the same.

"You will find as you look back upon your life

that the moments when you have truly lived

are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love."

-Henry Drummond

I often say that the day she was born, you could feel the bubble of love in that room.  A bubble of peace and tranquility.  My mom comments that God was in that bubble with us. I don't think she is far off.  The world around us continued, but we stopped.  We stopped to be with her.  Our boys were there to see their sister alive and then silently drift away from us.  My husband and I turned and clung to each other in our grief.

   I witnessed the day that my boys' hearts were first broken. I pray that they never have them shattered and splintered like that ever again.

  I know that in that room, we realized how precious each of us are to each other. 

  I would never want that taken away from any of us.

"Love is love's reward" 

 -John Dryden

And I know that through our love for her, our lovely Butterfly.....we could only see the arrival of our new bundle "Baby Button" in a mere week and a half as such a precious gift from above.  

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get

-only with what you are expecting to give-

which is everything."

-Katharine Hepburn

After she was gone, I could only continue to put my love in my sewing and crafting. Love into being with my family.  Love into taking care of my boys.
 Really, love into everything that I do. 

 I try to honor the fact that God gave me the gift of my husband. He gave me the gift of my boys.  He gave me a gift of another baby.  He gave me the gift to create. AND He gave me the gift of Jamie.

 Instead of wallowing in grief, I can use her life as inspiration for my life.  Inspiration for my personal charity for other baby loss mommas. 
I can share my journey with other moms that are facing grief, loss, and pain.

I can "do" what she never can.

Because I love her that much...

Change

"The key to change...is to let go of fear"

    -Roseanne Cash 

Today I am reflecting on the inordinate amount of change we have gone through and are about to experience.   I realize that Baby Button will change alot of things around here.  The obvious...late night feedings, lack of sleep, and basically...utter chaos.

My life will transition from part-time working mom to a bonafide stay at home mom.

I have been known to not deal well with change.

 

So I am facing change head on. 

 I decided to "change" my blog design a bit.  It is definitely a work in progress, so hang in there with me!  You will notice a few things already, but I have a ways to go!

What Love Really Means

A special lady, Mattie, that I have "met" through the internet after the loss of Jamie has an awesome blog called Beauty Will Rise.  I wish my blog was as AWESOME as hers! She is an amazing person!  I will never forget when we exchanged gifts for Christmas 2009 with some moms that had lost their November babies.  She sent me some very special gifts, all which were perfect.  I wish I had thought to take pictures!

  My heart was very raw at the time, and her gifts helped put a healing ointment on that wound.  I will never forget her baby girl...Shyla Joy.  Without the loss of our precious girls, both due in the month of November that year, we would never have crossed paths.

I was so thrilled when I heard the news that she was carrying her rainbow baby.  I was terrified when she told us the news that little Jakin's heart was not working as well as it should be.  I literally sobbed when I heard the news that his little heart had stopped.  I even posted here that day about her loss and how it impacted my outlook on Baby Button.  I had thought that I could distance myself from pain again.  The loss of Jakin proved to me that it was impossible.  I could love again, and have my heart broken again......

To my point!!! Mattie contacted a few of us momma's to blog about What Love Really Means for the month of February.  If you follow her blog, you will see me on a certain day...*wink, wink*...hmmm....maybe, say Feb 6th?

I am so excited!  I hope I live up to all of these other amazing bloggers out there!!!!

Thank you family and friends!

PRAYER FOR RESPECT OF LIFE

Heavenly Father, the beauty and dignity of human life was the crowning of your creation. You further ennobled that life when your Son became one with us in his incarnation.

Help us to realize the sacredness of human life and to respect it from the moment of conception until the last moment at death. Give us courage to speak with truth and love and with conviction in defense of life.

 Help us to extend the gentle hand of mercy and forgiveness to those who do not reverence your gift of life.

To all, grant pardon for the times we have failed to be grateful for your precious gift of life or to respect it in others.

I had a totally different intention for today's blog....but after reading the news yesterday and today....I really needed to say that I am so thankful for the support and care I recieved when I decided to carry Jamie.  I am extremely disgusted with the so-called abortion doctor in Pennsylvania that didn't consider those babies as human beings. 

I have never used Jamie Lynn as a platform for the respect life movement, and I probably never will. 

She is mine and I don't share very well (ask my husband...he will concur).

However, at this moment, I am feeling so blessed to carry that darling baby and I am thankful that my husband, family, and friends supported my decision.  I am also grateful for the love and care she was given by my doctor and nurses when she arrived and then shortly left us. 

So thank you to all those who are always there for me.

As for the cross....when I am not so upset....I will definitely share how I made it! 

 So simple!!!!!

Butterfly Kisses

Jamie's Quilt. 

 When she was born, we were enthralled with the perfection of her feet.   We could not keep our hands off of them.   We used her quilt for some of her NILMDTS photos.  She looked just precious on that quilt.  A few months later, I told hubby that I was going to embroider her name and her footprints on her quilt.  I was nervous, but he thought it was a good idea. 

 I chose brown to go with the quilt, but now wish I had gone with either a bolder larger font or a different color.  The background is so busy. 

But honestly...it doesn't matter....I love it.

So this leads to my charity:

 

I have finally perfected the digitizing and embroidery process.

Any baby loss momma that has a blanket or quilt that they would like to have their baby's name and footprints or handprints on....please contact me.

Yes....the footprints are the EXACT size of her actual footprints that were done at the hospital.  All I need is a scanned copy of your baby's or babies' footprints/handprints and the measurement (length and width) so that I can digitize them for my embroidery machine.

 
This is all free of charge.  I have already received a bit of funding to get this off the ground!

If you are currently carrying a baby with a very poor or fatal diagnosis and would like your baby's name on their blanket for their birth day, I can also help you out.  I have done a few already....and one of them actually defied his odds!  He is quite the healthy infant.  Boy, were those doctors wrong!

 If you are interested please fill out this FORM HERE or contact me on my FB page!

If You Believe



One of the MANY pictures I get sent from other babyloss mommas.....for her Name Gallery!



If You Believe

Mary Thompson

(dedicated to Lori and Frank Walsh, and baby Joseph)

He will guide you on your way-if you believe.

Roll the clouds of doubt away-if you believe.

God will hold you in His arms, give you hope when hope is gone.

(He will give you all you need-if you believe.)

He will calm you deepest fears-if you believe.

And dry up all your tears-if you believe.

God will take your broken heart,

In His hands the healing starts,

Then His peace you will receive-if you believe.

For God will never leave your side.

That’s a promise He provides.

He will see you through everything you do-

with His love.

You will feel Him call your name- if you believe.

And you’ll never be the same-if you believe.

God will fill your very soul with the grace

to make you whole.

And His love will set you free-if you believe.

A song written by a beautiful woman.

  For the past 4 years, we have gotten up Christmas morning and gone to Mass as soon as the gifts are open.  We try to make the Mass that we think we "know" that Mary and her family sing.  Just four of them and a guitar.  Every year, I cry.

But last year, I cried even harder.  I don't know how much Mary knows how much it meant to us for her to sing at Jamie Lynn's funeral.  It was comforting to know that she had been there for her own family member that went through a similar experience.  It is a burden and a blessing to carry a child knowing that your first Hello will also be your Goodbye. 

I was driving home today from work and this song (written above) came into my head.

 

I confess, I was tired.  I was tired of everyone asking if I was just ready to have this baby.

I answered, truthfully...honestly...I am great!  I am not uncomfortable at all.

  What I didn't say?  Button can stay in there as long as he/she needs. 

I just want Button to be okay...no matter what it takes.

I need to remember that I need to "believe"

....because that is all that counts in the end.