Right Where I Am: 1 year, 8 months

This is the post I mentioned earlier!
  It is part of still life with circles Right where I am Project.

I am 1 year, 8 months from my loss. 

Next week will be our 2 year anniversary of her initial ultrasound, which I call D-Day.

I am going to be honest.  I had to count on my fingers the months.  Not because I don't care, but at a certain point I had to LET IT GO, for my own sanity.

I'd like to give my time line, if no one minds because I think this is very important!

The first three months after losing Jamie, I was in a DAZE.  It was like I was living in someone else's nightmare.  It sometimes was very "out of body".  I pushed off Jamie's memorial funeral to a month after her birth/death.

The two and three month marks were also during the Thanskgiving Day and Christmas holidays. 

They were awful. 

I already have three quite "grown" boys that I had to pretend that I was oh so thrilled.  I lost my cool in a Toys R Us.  I hated seeing pictures of babies.  I thought that commercials were a cruel joke.

Then I got hired to work at the boys' school as a nurse and I jumped in head first....I wanted to keep busy and get out of my house.

Then we made the momentous decision to try to have another child.  It was horribly difficult.  We had no difficulties in the past for the other four.  This time, it was a nightmare.  Countless negative sticks.  Countless announcements on Facebook of healthy baby deliveries.  Countless announcements of pregnancies.

  I felt like a failure.

At the 5 month mark, I hit ROCK BOTTOM.  Even my own husband went to my annual OB/GYN visit just so he could discuss my anxiety/depression issues.  Enter Lexapro.  My friend for a few months.  I didn't realize I had postpartum depression.  There is something to be said for re-balancing your Serotonin levels.  I thought I was a wreck because of my grief, when in fact I had BOTH.

At my 8-9 months post lost, we found out that we were pregnant.

Just one week before Jamie's D-Day. 

Enter a whole host of garbage grief.  Why is THIS baby healthy?  Why couldn't Jamie be healthy. I think the rollercoaster of emotions was the most taxing thing I have ever experienced.  Never was there more worry, anxiety, and sadness.  I sometimes would feel the baby kick and think it was Jamie.  I would eat and drink something and it was like a time warp to her pregnancy. 

It was so hard to separate the two pregnancies.

At the holidays, there was a bit more happiness.  We had had several good ultrasounds and appointments.  It was like we had a little window opened that said it was okay to be happy again.

  But, I won't lie, the shadows are dark and deep.  They have no problem sneaking up on me.

When our bundle arrived, a new set of disasters entered.  

What should have been our "perfect" delivery ended up as a nightmare.  Our baby was sweeped up to NICU and immediately on oxygen and next thing we knew we were signing consents for our baby to receive a platelet transfusion.  Congenital Luekemia was discussed.  Bone marrow issues.  It was like I had entered the nightmare again and was going to go home empty armed AGAIN!

Luckily, it ended up being something very "fixable" and he ended up coming home with us.  However, we endured another 3 weeks of not knowing what exactly was wrong.  When I found out that my body had not only attacked his platelets, but had attacked all of our children, it was another low blow.  Another reminder that I probably shouldn't have children.

I won't lie.  This set my grief back a billion, kajillion miles back again.  The old feelings were just at the surface.  It was as if my skin was raw and all anyone had to do was touch it and I was in excrutiating pain.

Everyone around me was breathing a sigh of relief because then they didn't have to worry about Jamie.  I had a new baby, right?  Our happy ending happened, right?  We walk into the sunset looking in each other's eyes with our children in the middle, right?

WRONG! 

Because we may be walking in the sunset and holding hands, but we both keep glancing behind us to see if she is still there.  We are actually clinging to each other.

  It doesn't take much for me to watch a movie and cry.  I always cried before, but now...I am crying for her when there are sad parts in movies.

So, yes, my life continues.  There is some happiness. 

I even was able to work on a quilt today. Granted it is special because it is for another mom who had a baby after her horrible loss.

But the fact of the matter is that I will never get my darling girl back.

  How badly I want her here with me RIGHT NOW.

How badly I want her back........

...............................................................................

EDITED TO ADD:  

It is interesting to see what a person writes in the darkest depths of the night. 

To share that feelings change from moment to moment, 

 I wanted to add that this morning I felt better.

I woke up and wandered into my studio. I had rainbow baby Button on my hip.

On my countertop was the quilt I am making for a rainbow baby that was born recently.  It brings me JOY to share my talents with someone who "gets it".

On my countertop was a new box. 

A new blanket for me to embroider precious little feet on.

  My Butterfly Kisses ministry really does give me JOY. 

I love doing them for babyloss mommas. 

 If Jamie hadn't been here, I would never have thought to do something like this for others.

And as always a good vent on this blog allows me to have a less restless night, which CAN bring a beautiful new day.