Friday, June 29, 2012

With Love Filled Wishes....

A friend of mine sent this to me. 

I adore her.  I love the butterfly. 

Love the little heart.  And the fact that I have some other Precious Moment Figurines for other special occasions, like my wedding cake topper, is pretty cool.

However, how amazing is it that the name of it matches the name I use for my blog and embroidery charity?

I love how she watches over me on a shelf in my studio.
Right above the area that is the workhorse of Butterfly Kisses!!!!

Thank you so much Sandra.....she is perfect!!!!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Right Where I Am....Two Years, Eight Months, and Ten Days

I have written this post a hundred times.

In my head.  On post-its.  On this post.

But I always delete it.

Angie at still life with circles has had her link for Right Where I am Project up HERE for weeks now.  I faithfully did last year's post as soon as I heard about it.  It was the reason I decided to move all of my grief posts to their own blog.  This year?

Where am I?
I just don't know.  

I am here.
But I am not here.

I am happy.
But I am not happy.

I am sad.
But I am not sad.

My cup runneth over.
But my cup remains empty.

What does all that mean?  Why do I ramble so?  I am usually not one to mince words.  I certainly don't have problems speaking my mind most times.  And my friends can tell you that I can ramble and ramble and I usually make sense.

But three years.  Three years ago today is  D-day.  Diagnosis day.

Three years ago seems so near....yet so far.  Time is yawning.  Yet the pain is just under the surface.   The pain is under the skin and if you touch me just right, it will seep out.  Oozing my anger.  Oozing my hopelessness.  Oozing my sadness.

Yes.  I have fooled everyone.  I have fooled everyone into believing that I was better.  That I was perfectly fine.

But the ones closest to me know better.  My husband worries about me.  My boys protect me. A few friends know to ask the "right" question.  The normal passer-by says "How are you doing?".  I say "great..busy, but great!"  But these friends?  They say "No, really, how are you doing?  I think about you all the time and pray for your family."

They are the very few that actually remember that we went through our own personal hell three years ago.  They are the ones that know that I may pull the ole Heidi big smile "Nothing wrong over here" dance.  But they call me on it.

With the grief...there are the physical changes that just don't help.  My abdomen became so stretched out from all of the extremely excessive amniotic fluid with Jamie and then compounded by a quick pregnancy just 7 months later.  I always had a nice 2 year gap to recuperate between the other children, but the Empty Arm Syndrome hit me HARD after she was born.  And as so many say, though your empty arms are filled with joy, you can't pretend that the one that is missing never was there.  The extra weight, the stretched skin, the stretched abdominal muscles.  They all just magnify, in the most harshest sense, what wasn't meant to be.

So I trudge. I try my best to find balance.  I try not to cry when I read the stories of all babies gone too soon.  The moms trying to carry to term just to spend a little more time. I try not to cry when I see a blonde haired toddler with a precious dress on.  I try not to cry TOO much when I watch Tinkerbell, Sleeping Beauty, Pride and Prejudice, or Steel Magnolias, the movies I was finally going to get to watch with my girl.  I try not to cry when I see the adorable, frilly, ruffled creations that my sewing friends make.  I try not to wallow in my own misery while I make a pink quilt for someone else's girl. 

I pretend that when I am out and about, I don't care that people ask me "No girl?" or "Going to try for the girl?" or "You need a girl."    

I also won't cry that no one, really remembers, other than myself, that today is such a meaningful day.  That I am the only one who remembers on this very date, three years ago, we found out something was really, really wrong.  That it was the date that started all the questioning and wondering.  It was the date that led us to the realization that her condition was fatal and the ultimate decision to keep her inside her safe, warm, and comfortable cocoon as long as I could.
I pretend that it doesn't matter.

I don't know who I am fooling more...them or myself?

Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Fresh New Look

Every one needs a haircut or a makeover.

Butterfly Kisses needed one BADLY!

I am so excited about my new blog header ala Francesca at Small Bird Studios
 If you are a member of the babyloss community, you know a thing or two about her...but if you don't?  

Let me introduce you!

I love her tagline......what a beautiful mess she left behind......yup get out the tissues!

A new creation.  Beautiful.  I *know* a few gals that contribute.  Pretty amazing women!

Awesome collages.  A real cool vintage look.

She works with Carly...another favorite lady of mine.  She is the one that took my favorite photo HERE of Jamie's name in the sand.

Last, but not least.  The reason I am talking about her....she designed my new blog header and Facebook timeline cover.  It is EXACTLY what I needed to clean this blog up.  For the longest time, I was not happy with it and actually avoided it.   

THANK YOU FRANCESCA.  Maybe more people will actually stop by and stay now!!

Monday, June 18, 2012

My Very Own Molly Bear

Have you heard of Molly Bears?

If you haven't...I am going to tell you about them!

I know SEVERAL baby loss moms that have Molly Bears.  For some reason, I thought that I really didn't "need" one because I already have two teddy bears for Jamie.  The one we received from the hospital's bereavement group and the other was one that the boys won the weekend after she was born.  They were at our Church's bazaar and they tried their hand at winning a bear.  They used her birth date numbers and WON!  The proud looks that they had on their faces is something I will never forget!

I was recently contacted by one of the Molly Bear Team members to do a Butterfly Kiss project of her and Bridget (one of the co- founders).  

OF COURSE, I said..YES!!
  Then they told me that they would love to do a bear for me.
How could I say no?

A package arrived on Saturday, but I couldn't open it because I had a disaster in the studio due to some computer issues!  Pure torture seeing the box sitting in the corner, but I didn't want to lose any pieces/parts to the overstuffed package.

After the dust settled and all was quiet....we opened the package, yesterday, Father's Day.

Our very own Molly bear.

If you are thinking...she is just a pink teddy bear, Heidi....what is the big whoop?

The big deal is that she is filled.  
She weighs EXACTLY 5lbs 4oz.  
I *may or may not* have checked on my scale.  I was actually surprised to feel the weight in my hands.  I was so used to my empty arms in regards to her and her urn is so light, that I just forgot that she was a pretty hefty girl for a baby with dwarfism!

Each Molly Bear is unique and special to the parent that orders one.  They are "one of a kind" to you.

I, of course, mentioned my pension for butterflies whenever I think of my sweet precious girl!
  Boy, did I get them!

And she seems quite content with her fellow bear friends and Jamie's quilt.

My one and only disappointment?  

That I didn't do this sooner.....

Monday, June 11, 2012



 I have one quilt in the works and definitely one blanket coming for a visit....if you were planning to send me your blanket/item.


I will not be able to do them until AFTER July 13. If you were planning on sending them before that...please contact me at so I make sure that I will be available to receive it!!!!!!