My Angel's Ornaments

 I am sure I don't need to explain why Christmas was difficult last year.

I actually wanted to scrub the whole holidays, but I couldn't because of the other three gorgeous darlings we have.  They don't deserve to have the rest of their lifes drenched in darkness.

The boys have been so supportive since the moment we told them that Jamie was "sick" even before she was born.  They had as much hope as we did.

I can honestly say that I was there when all three of my boys first had their hearts broken.  It was the day they had to say goodbye to their little sister.

Last year, we found this cute angel ornament.  It isn't fabulous, but it seemed the best way for us to be able to have her precious feet forever on our tree.  We were so in love with the perfection of her tiny feet!

This year, we wanted to get another ornament.

How precious is the saying "A sister loves you at all times"!!

This Christmas we hung her ornaments on a silk tree in our "angel" room. 

Really, it is just a formal living room that we have dubbed the "Library".  It is where we have our formal living room furniture, bookcases, and a secretary desk. 

We renamed it so that it became a more approachable room for us to use.  There is someone in it everyday.

Why our "angel" room?  I have the ashes of our puppies that have left  us and I have a few sweet angel statues in there.

So I hope to have her tree in there next year!

We are in transition of purchasing new trees and have decided to wait until next year to get a special tree just for all of her ornaments.

I have some old pearl and pink colored ball ornaments I plan to use.  And of course, I found some more beautiful pearl and green ornaments.

I can't wait to do a whole tree just for her!!

Christmas Cards

This isn't the photo we used for Christmas...have this one blown up to hang in our home!
Checkout Kristi O'Connell Photography if you are in the Houston area....we loved her work!!!

I am so sad....This is the first year I am not making a "homemade" Christmas card in (I think) 6 years.  Hubby convinced me to use Tiny Prints for our Holiday photo card.  Normally, I spend a few hours tweaking a photo on photoshop, then a day or two writing my Christmas letter, and then a week or two making about 150 cards for family, friends, and hubby's co-workers.

This year, we had a pretty nice coupon from Tiny Prints (sorry, can't divulge my sources on this one) and he insisted (for the reason that the source would be disappointed that we didn't use it!).  I will have to admit, it was fun to choose a template, but it still stabbed me in the heart!  And if you are interested, they are running a few good deals right now for the Holidays!

So I guess I will have to put my "Heidi" touch on my Christmas letter.  Maybe stamping or something?!?!?

P.S.  Today I finally showed my hubby my wee blog.  Now I have to watch my step!!!!

My Special Surprise Today!



One of the dozen butterflies we released on Jamie's Birthday



Today, we received a letter from our oldest son.  He said it was a project he did in Religion class (have I mentioned how blessed we are to send our children to Catholic school!) 

The yellow ribbon that was tied around the piece of paper should have been a sign of how special it would be.  I opened it and at first glance noticed that it was written on a pink paper with pink roses and butterflies all over it!  Be still my heart, my moody thirteen year old pays attention!!!! 

The letter read:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Your blessings that you have bestowed upon me, have been generous and faithful.

I just want to say, that I love you and always will forever and ever.

I picked a psalm that was for a butterfly and was meant to be.

Blessed be God, who did not refuse me the kindness I sought in prayer.

Psalm 66:20.

Love J,

I Love You

Jamie, our darling butterfly, you are not always just on mommy and daddy's mind, but your sweet older brothers' also! 

And if you are wondering about the butterfly release in the picture,  

We can't say enough about The Butterfly Release Company. 

We were able to have a special inscription on the "envelopes".  We followed their exact delivery instructions and all of our butterflies arrived intact and made Jamie's 1st Birthday an unbelievable memory!!!

Jamie's Christmas Tree

   The craziness of the Christmas holidays are upon us.  I am having a tough time this year.  You would think with this "rainbow" baby on its way, that I would be happy.  Again, a perfect example why another little one can't replace the one who is gone.

    A little tree for our Jamie.  I will confess, I made this last Christmas.  I have so many projects in the works, that I don't have a single completed project to share! 

   I thought it was a good one to share considering she is so on my mind this month.  Here's to starting this a second holiday season without her. 

   JJ and I painted this plastic/resin tree that I picked up from Hobby Lobby last year.  We used layers of different pink paints to get different shades of pink.  We hot glued crystal and silver balls on after it dried. Then we used some cool paint called Snow-Tex by Deco Art.  It was so fun and cute to see little, big brother do something for his baby sister.  And it looks great next to her urn in my bedroom.

 

A Rainbow Disappeared in the Clouds



The cross made by JJ's class.  Made a book with scrapbook paper from Jamie's album

  

A babyloss momma's rainbow baby left us today.  His big sister passed away last year when she arrived too early.  Now he is following her at only 19 weeks.  His little heart went silent today.

His mother's heart is aching.

Why does this matter?   It matters because Baby Button is our Rainbow baby.

What is a Rainbow baby?   "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. 



One of the 25 cards we recieved from his class.



I can't take credit for this most amazing, insightful, and just plain beautiful definition. 

It occurred to me that I have tried to distance myself with this child on its way...sooner than later.  I now realize that I thought if I pretended not to be attached, that it wouldn't matter if something happened to my rainbow.   What a fool I was! 

Birthday Blues

A year ago today, we had a memorial funeral for Jamie.   A year ago yesterday was her due date.  Two days from now is my birthday.

I think I might really hate my birthday now.  I told my husband that I really don't like my birthday anymore.  It brings nothing but disappointment.  And actually, I have never really liked it.

This isn't a new concept for me, me being disappointed.  Growing up in the Chicago/Milwaukee area, the day used to be dingy, dark, and possibly accompanied with cold rain.  As a child, my parents did not have a lot of money.  My gifts were never extravagant.  I never had birthday parties.  But I am okay with that.  I understand the difficulties.

These past 14 years, we have creeped our way further South.  The days are nicer.  But as an adult, I have had the privilege of my family "forgetting" my birthday.  There is more often, than not, an empty mailbox.  Definitely devoid of a gift...most of the time, not even a card. 

My husband does not win any prizes in the birthday department.  He is often out of town...much like he will be this week.  I guess that is what happens when you have your birthday right before Thanksgiving.  Business must get done before we sit down to eat turkey!!!  I cannot recall a single memorable gift that he has given me.

Except........last year's.  He and the boys went shopping for a charm bracelet at one of my favorite stores James Avery.  They bought five heart charms.  One for each of them, the three boys, my husband, and they even included my darling baby girl!   They chose a plain heart so that her name could be engraved on it.  It is so beautiful and a day never goes by that I am not wearing it.

But still.......I dread my coming birthday.  I should have a bouncy one year old blond baby girl in my lap.  I should be anticipating her first step or if she was like her brothers, she would be already running and I would be chasing her these coming holidays.  We should have been sharing this month for our birthdays, like I share it with my mother.  Instead, she was born in October because we both were not doing well.  Instead, she is in an urn, instead of in my arms.

I really don't have high expectations for this week........

Baby Button

My little button.  One of the inspirations of starting this blog.  My Jamie is my butterfly because she flew away.  This beautiful baby on its way....please God have this one come home with me in my arms.....we have named Button. 

The boys and Jamie's real names begin with J's and ironically, their "pet" names from me start with B's.  Why do I have pet names?  I am one of those mommies that don't know if I am going to have a boy or a girl.  I have kept the gender/sex reveal a surprise for myself and everyone we know until they arrive five times now.  Why?  Because there aren't many REAL surprises in life anymore.  Even Christmas isn't the same as an adult!!!  The real reason I don't find out?  I have learned from my L&D nursing days that it is never a guarantee that these precious packages come home with us.  Does it matter if they are a boy or girl?  No, it only matters that they arrive safe and sound.

My Bunny helped me pick out this little one's nickname.  I like Button, because I loooove buttons.  They represent so much to me!  I use them when I sew.  I use them when scrapbooking, and I have even made some jewelry pieces with Buttons.  I also like the fact that this baby has "fastened" his/herself into my life.  This baby means so much, in so many ways.

Button has brought out a new view for me.  That there is joy out of pain.  There is hope out of agony.  There is happiness beyond grief.  This child is a not our Jamie, but this child might never have been here if I hadn't lost my Jamie. 

So I bought (sigh....not made) a blanket for our button.  The only purchase I have made, and probably the only one I will make before Button arrives.  I decided to embroider "Cute as a Button" on it in nuetral colors.  The boys and hubby loved it.  I think hubby is a little jealous that I bought it on my own, so I think I will make it up to him and have him go shopping with me for baby's first outfit.  So I guess there is a little shopping in our future...but not much.  I can't do a whole nursery without fear that it might be empty when I come home in a few months.