Be still, my heart.

Friday, I felt pressure.  Pressure so tight, I couldn't stand it.

I felt like my chest was being crushed.

My shoulders could no longer take any more weight.

I opened my email.  A note.  A school note that said that my son had "failed to bring supplies/work to class".  Not a big deal really.   

But it was.

I failed him.  I didn't remember that it was due this Friday.  He had told me several times the last three weeks.  I forgot.

I failed him.

I walked up to get Button out of his crib.  He popped up and gave me the biggest smile.  I started sniffling as I changed his diaper.  I had uncontrollable, silent tears as I snapped him into his car seat.

As I drove...the tears flowed.  I couldn't stop them.  No noise, just tears.  As if my eyes were rivers and streams....waterfalls that I couldn't control.  

 

But the pressure was still there.

My grown young man climbed into the car when I arrived.  My sunglasses on, but tears still streaming.  I apologized for my appearance and told him I had hoped his friends hadn't seen me.

He asked "what's wrong?".  

I simply said,  "I am just sad.  I feel like such a failure as a mom".  

In the pause, I know he heard "you boys struggle so at your schools.  I wish I could cure the dyslexia your younger brothers have.  I hope I don't screw up your baby brother."  

I know he heard in the pause "And, God, I failed your sister.  I couldn't save her."

It slammed me.  I sobbed.  Uncontrollably.  Enough that I had to pull over in the parking lot.

He patted me on my shoulder.  He consoled me.  He told me that I was a "great mom..you are doing fine".

I had gathered myself by the time we arrived to pick up the younger two.  We arrived home.  I pretended I was better for their sake.

I was tired.

Then Bunny gave me a folded up piece of paper right before he went to bed. 

I opened it and smiled.

And all the pressure was gone.