Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

Windmills always make me feel free...don't know why!

The 31st!!!!   I can't tell you how happy that I made it!  

Persevered.  Fought.  Cried.  Pushed.  Wavered.  Conquered.

31 days was a bit much for me.  Countered with the fact that October is Jamie's birthday, this blog challenge was a bit more difficult than it would have been any other month.

Has it helped me be more open?  I don't think so.  If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought opening up was easy, I would have answered
"I am an open book".

While carrying Jamie, the one thing I learned about myself was that I actually am a VERY private person.  When I told dear hubby my surprise at this revelation, he looked at me with humor and remarked 

"You didn't know that?  I ALWAYS knew that!".

Funny...no one mentioned it to me.

So the reality is...

In everyday life, I am pretty private about my pursuits, my thoughts, my stories, my life, my faith, and my grief.  

But my blog has always been a place for me to share them.  I don't feel any more or less open here. I AM glad that I moved Butterfly Kisses to it's own home.  It would have been too overwhelming on Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies!

I will try to be more quiet for awhile.  I think this was overload for a blog.

Always, feel free to email me with any topic you'd like to hear about.  There are a million of them! 

And keep those Butterfly Kiss requests coming.......My machine has been quiet the last few weeks......

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

Since it is the third time we are experiencing the holidays...I hope it goes well.  

Hopefully, we will be a bit distracted by baby Button's first Christmas.

But it is always hard to see those little toddlers with their bouncy blond curls in beautiful dresses.  

We can't help but picture Jamie.....

And we will always hang her stocking by the chimney with care....

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

A Bead-filled Bezel I made, over at Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies

I like to believe in Heaven.

Is this difficult to believe?

Yes!

Faith is a tough thing when you prayed and prayed for your child to live when she was born.   

But.

If I don't have Faith.

I won't see her again.

I want to. 

I HAVE TO!

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

"No girls?"

This statement is WORSE than fingernails on a chalkboard.  I thought it was just me, but dear hubby agrees.  

• First off, it reminds me (not that I really forget) that she isn't here.  I never forget it, but sometimes life is a bit easier if I am not thinking of her 24hrs a day.  That would require admission to the local loony bin for me.  So having someone say this is a kick in the pants if I am having a good day.

• Gee, thanks for making my boys feel bad.  I guess four boys is horrible and I SHOULD have a girl?

• This reminds me of the book I am going to write some day.  "What not to say to parents..."   Thanks for more material!

EDITED TO ADD:  I realize I didn't really answer the question, because I didn't have anything to really say...so I told you something I hate.   This is all that keeps popping in my head.

Day 27: Share a picture.

Twist my arm, why don't you?

 

Poor followers.....you probably are sick of me!!!  

Only 4 days to go and I will give you a break.

I promise!!!

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

Not a bad day.

Not a perfect day.

A little cloud over my head for dear hubby.  He has a lot on his plate right now.

But overall, a nice day......so far.

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

HONESTY HERE:  Getting burnt out on the blog challenge.....but fighting through.  Only seven days left.  What would it say about my character if I didn't finish what I started, right?

OOPS!   I think  I answered today's question yesterday!

So now I will answer yesterday's correctly....How do I HANDLE them...emotionally?

I don't know.  There is no way to "handle" you emotions....really.   You can control the outward expressions of your emotions, but you can't control how, when, or what emotion you will be feeling from day to day...moment to moment.

I'd like to think that from the outside looking in...the others around me think I am handling things beautifully.  I say this, because a few of them have told me so.

But from the inside, looking out? 

 

I am trapped.   

Trapped in my glass house.  I am barred from leaving my threshold by the grief that keeps the door sealed.  I can look out and see things clearly on some days.  The sun comes in and warms my house and my heart.  Some days, the fog is blocking my view.  I can't see beyond the pain.

Those around me can sometimes see into me very clearly, but most times, the tinting on the window just reflects back what they are feeling.  If they are happy, they see happy.  If they are sad, they see sad. 

  Every once in a while the grief opens the doors and allows them to visit.  But usually it is only for a short time.  They are guided back to the porch to enjoy the sunshine.

I cannot predict what kind of day it will be.  It could start with a sunny morning and end in the stormiest of nights.  It could gently rain all day.  It could be a raging hurricane with no end in sight.

So how do I handle the days. 

I can't.  

I don't know exactly what the weather will be like.

This morning?

It looks like a clear day with no clouds in sight.

 

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

Do you prepare for them?

Definitely Birthdays.

Diagnosis day and anniversaries are usually only remembered by me.  

The anticipation is, nine times out of ten, worse than the actual day.

Last year, we celebrated her birthday grandly.

See HERE.

This year was much more quiet.

See HERE.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

One thing?  

Too difficult to whittle down....so here is my list:

• Maternity photos.

• Talked to her more than I already did.

• Rubbed my belly more than I did.

• Sing to her more than I did.

• Taken more photos with our NILMDTS photographer

• Had a family photo taken of all of us with Jamie.  The boys had left for home before NILMDTS got there.

• Kept her with us in the hospital just a little longer after she passed

• Bathed her ourselves

• Kissed her more

• Told her I loved her ONE MORE TIME.

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)

GET YOUR KLEENEX READY!!!!

The first song is an obvious one for fellow CTT (carrying to term despite fatal diagnosis) moms.  

However, for those that don't know of it.  One of the singers from the group, Selah, and his wife received a fatal diagnosis for their daughter. 

His wife wrote the song and sang,

I Will Carry You.

Can you hear the tears and pain in her voice.  I love when he sings with her.....

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And then smallest wings, by Craig Cardiff.

I listened to it at least once day while carrying Jamie, on the Now I Lay Me Organization website.

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?

Her feet.

So tiny.  So precious.  So perfect.

I smile.

EVERY SINGLE TIME

I see pictures of them.  

EVERY SINGLE TIME

I see her footprints. 

EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I will never forget holding them in my hand.  I will never forget her daddy and I opening up her blanket time and time again to touch those feet.  We were in awe of them.

And they definitely left their imprint on our hearts.  

I am smiling right now looking at the photo again.....

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

Only 10 days left.  These are getting tougher and tougher.  

Cassie wasn't kidding when she said that it was a blog CHALLENGE!!!

If I have anger.....I can tell you that while I was contemplating this question all day yesterday, the anger in my head was spewing.

  Like a volcano.

  Large explosions, steady gushes, and hot as fire.

But this morning I woke up to write my thoughts and only one phrase came to mind.  

"I am angry because I want what I can't have"

 That's it.  Any anger I have goes back to this simple fact. 

I want her and I can't have her.

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

 

The only truly happy memories I have are the times before her ultrasound.

All the others are what I call bittersweet.  

Absolutely wonderful, but absolutely devastating at the same time.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

What does this mean?  Peace in general?  Peace about Jamie? 

I thought about this all day.  ALL day, yesterday because I like to work through each question as if I am reading a daily devotion.

Peace......

Baby Button brings me peace.  I can hold him.  I can feel my heart rate lower.  My blood pressure mellow out. 

My brain rests.  

He makes it too easy.

Family.  

As long as we aren't running.  When we stop.  When I climb on the hammock with my husband and breathe in the air.  

I always knew I was a dreamer.  I think my grandmother said I was an "old soul" once. 

I think she is right.  

I like to swing in that hammock with the trees rustling above, the breeze gently wafting over me, and the occasional butterfly to land in my near vicinity.  I like to go back in time, and remember when I would swing in that hammock with my Jamie pushing, pressing, and rolling in my tummy.  

I remember those moments.

And it brings me peace.......

Taken by a dear friend, Megan

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

I like to think she does.

I like to think about the day Baby Button was born.  Her little brother went through quite an ordeal.  I wasn't allowed to wear her special medal* in the OR during the c-section.  The whole, NO JEWELRY rule.  So I took it off and gave it to my husband.

  I was a nervous wreck in that OR.  Would the baby cry?  Was it a boy or girl?  If it was girl, would I be sad?  If it was a boy, would I be sad?  If the baby cried, would I cry and finally feel relief?  Would I hate the baby?  Would I survive the surgery, because, you know, our AWESOME odds and everything?

As all of this ran through my head, my husband walked in to the OR.  Sat down on the stool next to my head and reached for my hand.

I felt something hard pressed in my palm.  

I curled my fingers around it and realized it was her medal. 

Relief.

After Baby Button was born, they told us that he was having difficulty breathing.  That there was no need to worry, but that he needed to go to the NICU for some extra oxygen.  I reached in and touched his fingers...they were so limp.   An hour later, we found out that his platelet level was drastically low.  Not just low, "transfusion required to live" low.  Our barely new baby was going to get a treatment that not even an adult member has needed in our family.  A blood/platelet transfusion.  Not to mention IVs in his scalp, antibiotics around the clock, NG tube feedings, continuous labs drawn, CT scans, ultrasounds, and the oxygen he already required.

And we didn't know why.

For three days, I didn't know if I was going to be bringing him home.  I lost my cool on day three in the hospital.  I snapped at anyone near by.  I was apathetic to those who called.  I was angry.  Frustrated.  And TERRIFIED.

But I kept feeling something.  Something pushing.  Prodding to move forward.  Telling me that it was going to be okay.  Have faith.  Don't give up hope.

Was it her? 

I don't know.

But after he was home and I was downloading pictures (this one taken by my husband's phone), I realized that whenever I was holding Button.....her medal was in the pictures. 

  I'd like to think she was there.  

Watching over us and her new little brother.

But I honestly just don't know........

 *her medal: an angel holding a baby and her name engraved on the back, and blessed by our priest

Some day I will tell you what Button was diagnosed with.  It is often times just too unfathomable to believe that the rest of my children survived their pregnancies and births.

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

I thought this would be easy to answer, but it ended up being unclear to me.

My immediate reaction was that I do take time.  I sew, quilt, craft, and blog.  I go on scrapbook retreats.

However, on the other hand, it is often disjointed, hurried, and frantic.  I sometimes feel like I am rushing through it all.

I go get my hair done and nails done on occasion, but haven't had a facial in over two years.  Even when I do take that time, I have lists in hand, schedules to plan as I sit there.   I am anxious to get home because I fear that I am needed.

When I am scrapbooking, I am working towards a goal.  Get it finished.... get it finished...chants through my head.  I try to take every moment to make sure I arrive home feeling accomplished, when I really should come back rested.

I think the only time I actually take time for myself is in the dark hours of night.  When all I can hear are the quiet sighs and snores in the house.  I sit and watch TV. Sometimes, I crossstitch, do hand sewing work, or even sew.  

But sometimes, I just do nothing and stare at the TV.

Is that time for myself?  I am not sure...

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day.

What are you doing today?

http://www.facebook.com/smallbirdstudio

 

Living life.

Because it has to go on.

Tennis lessons.  Flag football game.  Yardwork for hubby.  Two quilts are calling my name.

I know that I WILL take a little time to pray for all of the families that have lost and pray for all the little ones that are gone.

I don't feel like shouting to the rooftops this year about loss.  I am feeling very calm and retrospective this year.  

It just feels right to live life...we only get one chance at this!

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

I wasn't going to post this on her birthday, but decided...why not?!??!

Her memory box.

Box, pictures, urn, dried roses from funeral, her quilt, teddy bears, and the holy water she was baptized with.

Her collage.

In our bedroom, above her memory box and things.

Her scrapbook.

Just a few of my favorite pages...it is actually 75 pages long!!!!

A few of her ultrasounds

Feet....my favorite!!!

I had several of my favorite pictures enlarged....

Pink and Brown is the outside of the album, so I spattered it quite a bit throughout....

Her quilt.

I never imagined this quilt would become so important to me.....

Her prayer.

Plaque in my Studio.....I love seeing this everyday.

Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?

My children.

My husband.

My mother.

My sister.

My really close friends.

Everyone else skirts around it.

I was telling an acquaintance my story Tuesday at a school volunteer training session. She is a fellow parent at the boys' school. She hadn't realized I had lost a child.  Usually, these encounters leave me exhausted. 

However, it was a lovely conversation.

At the end, she hugged me and took both of my hands and asked me for her name.

Jamie Lynn

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

This is a bone of contention.....

Not for me....for them.

I didn't want to know while I was carrying.  

I didn't want to know after I lost her.

I simply told a family member that I didn't care.

NOT that I didn't want to care....but I couldn't care.

  The burden was heavy enough for me, that I just could not worry about everyone else.  

It was too exhausting.

But if I said it once, I will say it again.

 

We, as parents, are the ONLY ones that wake up every day without a child.  There is not a day that we get relief from it.  It is our burden.  Our pain.  The reality is (in MY opinion) that their lives can go on without her.  

 

They can move forward and forget much easier.  

How do I know?  

Because I have seen it time and time again.  A friend has lost a child and I think..."I will never recover".  

Then one day, I haven't thought of that child for months. 

It is the reality. 

Cold hard reality or not.....it just is.