Monday, October 17, 2011

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

I like to think she does.

I like to think about the day Baby Button was born.  Her little brother went through quite an ordeal.  I wasn't allowed to wear her special medal* in the OR during the c-section.  The whole, NO JEWELRY rule.  So I took it off and gave it to my husband.

  I was a nervous wreck in that OR.  Would the baby cry?  Was it a boy or girl?  If it was girl, would I be sad?  If it was a boy, would I be sad?  If the baby cried, would I cry and finally feel relief?  Would I hate the baby?  Would I survive the surgery, because, you know, our AWESOME odds and everything?

As all of this ran through my head, my husband walked in to the OR.  Sat down on the stool next to my head and reached for my hand.

I felt something hard pressed in my palm.  
I curled my fingers around it and realized it was her medal. 

After Baby Button was born, they told us that he was having difficulty breathing.  That there was no need to worry, but that he needed to go to the NICU for some extra oxygen.  I reached in and touched his fingers...they were so limp.   An hour later, we found out that his platelet level was drastically low.  Not just low, "transfusion required to live" low.  Our barely new baby was going to get a treatment that not even an adult member has needed in our family.  A blood/platelet transfusion.  Not to mention IVs in his scalp, antibiotics around the clock, NG tube feedings, continuous labs drawn, CT scans, ultrasounds, and the oxygen he already required.

And we didn't know why.

For three days, I didn't know if I was going to be bringing him home.  I lost my cool on day three in the hospital.  I snapped at anyone near by.  I was apathetic to those who called.  I was angry.  Frustrated.  And TERRIFIED.

But I kept feeling something.  Something pushing.  Prodding to move forward.  Telling me that it was going to be okay.  Have faith.  Don't give up hope.

Was it her? 
I don't know.

But after he was home and I was downloading pictures (this one taken by my husband's phone), I realized that whenever I was holding Button.....her medal was in the pictures. 

  I'd like to think she was there.  
Watching over us and her new little brother.

But I honestly just don't know........

 *her medal: an angel holding a baby and her name engraved on the back, and blessed by our priest

Some day I will tell you what Button was diagnosed with.  It is often times just too unfathomable to believe that the rest of my children survived their pregnancies and births.

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