Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

HONESTY HERE:  Getting burnt out on the blog challenge.....but fighting through.  Only seven days left.  What would it say about my character if I didn't finish what I started, right?

OOPS!   I think  I answered today's question yesterday!

So now I will answer yesterday's correctly....How do I HANDLE them...emotionally?

I don't know.  There is no way to "handle" you emotions....really.   You can control the outward expressions of your emotions, but you can't control how, when, or what emotion you will be feeling from day to day...moment to moment.

I'd like to think that from the outside looking in...the others around me think I am handling things beautifully.  I say this, because a few of them have told me so.

But from the inside, looking out? 
I am trapped.   

Trapped in my glass house.  I am barred from leaving my threshold by the grief that keeps the door sealed.  I can look out and see things clearly on some days.  The sun comes in and warms my house and my heart.  Some days, the fog is blocking my view.  I can't see beyond the pain.

Those around me can sometimes see into me very clearly, but most times, the tinting on the window just reflects back what they are feeling.  If they are happy, they see happy.  If they are sad, they see sad. 
  Every once in a while the grief opens the doors and allows them to visit.  But usually it is only for a short time.  They are guided back to the porch to enjoy the sunshine.

I cannot predict what kind of day it will be.  It could start with a sunny morning and end in the stormiest of nights.  It could gently rain all day.  It could be a raging hurricane with no end in sight.

So how do I handle the days. 

I can't.  

I don't know exactly what the weather will be like.

This morning?

It looks like a clear day with no clouds in sight.



Ashley said...

I am glad today is a clear day and I pray for strength for you on the strormy ones. My experience was no where near the same as yours but it was a loss. I was 3 months pregnant with our first when I lost the baby. It was very traumatic because of the situation and a horrible Doctor that I had. I ended up having to go in for a removal procedure on Mothers day that year. So every year on mothers day I look down on my boys thankful for what god has given me and the 3 months I shared with that little life but there is always a saddness that is a little stronger that day. I hardly ever talk about it because it is just to hard to think about. The baby would have been three years old this coming month. Right around my due date it weighs pretty heavy on my mind. Like you said though people don't really know by looking at me. It is something I keep to myself and work through. I bring it up to my husband but he is the only one. The emotion will always be there, that little life will always be in my heart. Thanks for a place to share.

Heidi said...

Thanks for sharing!!! That is what this blog is here for!!!!

So sorry for your loss. I don't think any loss can be measured my time, only what the loss was worth to you. I can tell that baby meant a lot to you......
I can't imagine how Mother's Day is...very mixed emotions.