Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

Windmills always make me feel free...don't know why!

The 31st!!!!   I can't tell you how happy that I made it!  

Persevered.  Fought.  Cried.  Pushed.  Wavered.  Conquered.

31 days was a bit much for me.  Countered with the fact that October is Jamie's birthday, this blog challenge was a bit more difficult than it would have been any other month.

Has it helped me be more open?  I don't think so.  If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought opening up was easy, I would have answered
"I am an open book".

While carrying Jamie, the one thing I learned about myself was that I actually am a VERY private person.  When I told dear hubby my surprise at this revelation, he looked at me with humor and remarked 

"You didn't know that?  I ALWAYS knew that!".

Funny...no one mentioned it to me.

So the reality is...

In everyday life, I am pretty private about my pursuits, my thoughts, my stories, my life, my faith, and my grief.  

But my blog has always been a place for me to share them.  I don't feel any more or less open here. I AM glad that I moved Butterfly Kisses to it's own home.  It would have been too overwhelming on Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies!

I will try to be more quiet for awhile.  I think this was overload for a blog.

Always, feel free to email me with any topic you'd like to hear about.  There are a million of them! 

And keep those Butterfly Kiss requests coming.......My machine has been quiet the last few weeks......

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

Since it is the third time we are experiencing the holidays...I hope it goes well.  

Hopefully, we will be a bit distracted by baby Button's first Christmas.

But it is always hard to see those little toddlers with their bouncy blond curls in beautiful dresses.  

We can't help but picture Jamie.....

And we will always hang her stocking by the chimney with care....

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

A Bead-filled Bezel I made, over at Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies

I like to believe in Heaven.

Is this difficult to believe?

Yes!

Faith is a tough thing when you prayed and prayed for your child to live when she was born.   

But.

If I don't have Faith.

I won't see her again.

I want to. 

I HAVE TO!

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

"No girls?"

This statement is WORSE than fingernails on a chalkboard.  I thought it was just me, but dear hubby agrees.  

• First off, it reminds me (not that I really forget) that she isn't here.  I never forget it, but sometimes life is a bit easier if I am not thinking of her 24hrs a day.  That would require admission to the local loony bin for me.  So having someone say this is a kick in the pants if I am having a good day.

• Gee, thanks for making my boys feel bad.  I guess four boys is horrible and I SHOULD have a girl?

• This reminds me of the book I am going to write some day.  "What not to say to parents..."   Thanks for more material!

EDITED TO ADD:  I realize I didn't really answer the question, because I didn't have anything to really say...so I told you something I hate.   This is all that keeps popping in my head.

Day 27: Share a picture.

Twist my arm, why don't you?

 

Poor followers.....you probably are sick of me!!!  

Only 4 days to go and I will give you a break.

I promise!!!

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

Not a bad day.

Not a perfect day.

A little cloud over my head for dear hubby.  He has a lot on his plate right now.

But overall, a nice day......so far.

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

HONESTY HERE:  Getting burnt out on the blog challenge.....but fighting through.  Only seven days left.  What would it say about my character if I didn't finish what I started, right?

OOPS!   I think  I answered today's question yesterday!

So now I will answer yesterday's correctly....How do I HANDLE them...emotionally?

I don't know.  There is no way to "handle" you emotions....really.   You can control the outward expressions of your emotions, but you can't control how, when, or what emotion you will be feeling from day to day...moment to moment.

I'd like to think that from the outside looking in...the others around me think I am handling things beautifully.  I say this, because a few of them have told me so.

But from the inside, looking out? 

 

I am trapped.   

Trapped in my glass house.  I am barred from leaving my threshold by the grief that keeps the door sealed.  I can look out and see things clearly on some days.  The sun comes in and warms my house and my heart.  Some days, the fog is blocking my view.  I can't see beyond the pain.

Those around me can sometimes see into me very clearly, but most times, the tinting on the window just reflects back what they are feeling.  If they are happy, they see happy.  If they are sad, they see sad. 

  Every once in a while the grief opens the doors and allows them to visit.  But usually it is only for a short time.  They are guided back to the porch to enjoy the sunshine.

I cannot predict what kind of day it will be.  It could start with a sunny morning and end in the stormiest of nights.  It could gently rain all day.  It could be a raging hurricane with no end in sight.

So how do I handle the days. 

I can't.  

I don't know exactly what the weather will be like.

This morning?

It looks like a clear day with no clouds in sight.

 

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

Do you prepare for them?

Definitely Birthdays.

Diagnosis day and anniversaries are usually only remembered by me.  

The anticipation is, nine times out of ten, worse than the actual day.

Last year, we celebrated her birthday grandly.

See HERE.

This year was much more quiet.

See HERE.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

One thing?  

Too difficult to whittle down....so here is my list:

• Maternity photos.

• Talked to her more than I already did.

• Rubbed my belly more than I did.

• Sing to her more than I did.

• Taken more photos with our NILMDTS photographer

• Had a family photo taken of all of us with Jamie.  The boys had left for home before NILMDTS got there.

• Kept her with us in the hospital just a little longer after she passed

• Bathed her ourselves

• Kissed her more

• Told her I loved her ONE MORE TIME.

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)

GET YOUR KLEENEX READY!!!!

The first song is an obvious one for fellow CTT (carrying to term despite fatal diagnosis) moms.  

However, for those that don't know of it.  One of the singers from the group, Selah, and his wife received a fatal diagnosis for their daughter. 

His wife wrote the song and sang,

I Will Carry You.

Can you hear the tears and pain in her voice.  I love when he sings with her.....

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And then smallest wings, by Craig Cardiff.

I listened to it at least once day while carrying Jamie, on the Now I Lay Me Organization website.

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?

Her feet.

So tiny.  So precious.  So perfect.

I smile.

EVERY SINGLE TIME

I see pictures of them.  

EVERY SINGLE TIME

I see her footprints. 

EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I will never forget holding them in my hand.  I will never forget her daddy and I opening up her blanket time and time again to touch those feet.  We were in awe of them.

And they definitely left their imprint on our hearts.  

I am smiling right now looking at the photo again.....

Day 20: If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

Only 10 days left.  These are getting tougher and tougher.  

Cassie wasn't kidding when she said that it was a blog CHALLENGE!!!

If I have anger.....I can tell you that while I was contemplating this question all day yesterday, the anger in my head was spewing.

  Like a volcano.

  Large explosions, steady gushes, and hot as fire.

But this morning I woke up to write my thoughts and only one phrase came to mind.  

"I am angry because I want what I can't have"

 That's it.  Any anger I have goes back to this simple fact. 

I want her and I can't have her.

Miss Calypso

I love it when a Butterfly Kiss blanket gets in their momma's hands and they are so happy with them.

Calypso's Mom got hers sooner than I had time to post my pictures.  

She already posted HERE!!!!!

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

 

The only truly happy memories I have are the times before her ultrasound.

All the others are what I call bittersweet.  

Absolutely wonderful, but absolutely devastating at the same time.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

What does this mean?  Peace in general?  Peace about Jamie? 

I thought about this all day.  ALL day, yesterday because I like to work through each question as if I am reading a daily devotion.

Peace......

Baby Button brings me peace.  I can hold him.  I can feel my heart rate lower.  My blood pressure mellow out. 

My brain rests.  

He makes it too easy.

Family.  

As long as we aren't running.  When we stop.  When I climb on the hammock with my husband and breathe in the air.  

I always knew I was a dreamer.  I think my grandmother said I was an "old soul" once. 

I think she is right.  

I like to swing in that hammock with the trees rustling above, the breeze gently wafting over me, and the occasional butterfly to land in my near vicinity.  I like to go back in time, and remember when I would swing in that hammock with my Jamie pushing, pressing, and rolling in my tummy.  

I remember those moments.

And it brings me peace.......

Taken by a dear friend, Megan

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?

I like to think she does.

I like to think about the day Baby Button was born.  Her little brother went through quite an ordeal.  I wasn't allowed to wear her special medal* in the OR during the c-section.  The whole, NO JEWELRY rule.  So I took it off and gave it to my husband.

  I was a nervous wreck in that OR.  Would the baby cry?  Was it a boy or girl?  If it was girl, would I be sad?  If it was a boy, would I be sad?  If the baby cried, would I cry and finally feel relief?  Would I hate the baby?  Would I survive the surgery, because, you know, our AWESOME odds and everything?

As all of this ran through my head, my husband walked in to the OR.  Sat down on the stool next to my head and reached for my hand.

I felt something hard pressed in my palm.  

I curled my fingers around it and realized it was her medal. 

Relief.

After Baby Button was born, they told us that he was having difficulty breathing.  That there was no need to worry, but that he needed to go to the NICU for some extra oxygen.  I reached in and touched his fingers...they were so limp.   An hour later, we found out that his platelet level was drastically low.  Not just low, "transfusion required to live" low.  Our barely new baby was going to get a treatment that not even an adult member has needed in our family.  A blood/platelet transfusion.  Not to mention IVs in his scalp, antibiotics around the clock, NG tube feedings, continuous labs drawn, CT scans, ultrasounds, and the oxygen he already required.

And we didn't know why.

For three days, I didn't know if I was going to be bringing him home.  I lost my cool on day three in the hospital.  I snapped at anyone near by.  I was apathetic to those who called.  I was angry.  Frustrated.  And TERRIFIED.

But I kept feeling something.  Something pushing.  Prodding to move forward.  Telling me that it was going to be okay.  Have faith.  Don't give up hope.

Was it her? 

I don't know.

But after he was home and I was downloading pictures (this one taken by my husband's phone), I realized that whenever I was holding Button.....her medal was in the pictures. 

  I'd like to think she was there.  

Watching over us and her new little brother.

But I honestly just don't know........

 *her medal: an angel holding a baby and her name engraved on the back, and blessed by our priest

Some day I will tell you what Button was diagnosed with.  It is often times just too unfathomable to believe that the rest of my children survived their pregnancies and births.

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

I thought this would be easy to answer, but it ended up being unclear to me.

My immediate reaction was that I do take time.  I sew, quilt, craft, and blog.  I go on scrapbook retreats.

However, on the other hand, it is often disjointed, hurried, and frantic.  I sometimes feel like I am rushing through it all.

I go get my hair done and nails done on occasion, but haven't had a facial in over two years.  Even when I do take that time, I have lists in hand, schedules to plan as I sit there.   I am anxious to get home because I fear that I am needed.

When I am scrapbooking, I am working towards a goal.  Get it finished.... get it finished...chants through my head.  I try to take every moment to make sure I arrive home feeling accomplished, when I really should come back rested.

I think the only time I actually take time for myself is in the dark hours of night.  When all I can hear are the quiet sighs and snores in the house.  I sit and watch TV. Sometimes, I crossstitch, do hand sewing work, or even sew.  

But sometimes, I just do nothing and stare at the TV.

Is that time for myself?  I am not sure...

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day.

What are you doing today?

http://www.facebook.com/smallbirdstudio

 

Living life.

Because it has to go on.

Tennis lessons.  Flag football game.  Yardwork for hubby.  Two quilts are calling my name.

I know that I WILL take a little time to pray for all of the families that have lost and pray for all the little ones that are gone.

I don't feel like shouting to the rooftops this year about loss.  I am feeling very calm and retrospective this year.  

It just feels right to live life...we only get one chance at this!

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

I wasn't going to post this on her birthday, but decided...why not?!??!

Her memory box.

Box, pictures, urn, dried roses from funeral, her quilt, teddy bears, and the holy water she was baptized with.

Her collage.

In our bedroom, above her memory box and things.

Her scrapbook.

Just a few of my favorite pages...it is actually 75 pages long!!!!

A few of her ultrasounds

Feet....my favorite!!!

I had several of my favorite pictures enlarged....

Pink and Brown is the outside of the album, so I spattered it quite a bit throughout....

Her quilt.

I never imagined this quilt would become so important to me.....

Her prayer.

Plaque in my Studio.....I love seeing this everyday.

2nd Bittersweet Birthday

I cannot lie.

This year is very difficult.  We really didn't anticipate how hard it would be.

Wishing you could be here with us.  Running around like a two year old should be........

Day 13: Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?

My children.

My husband.

My mother.

My sister.

My really close friends.

Everyone else skirts around it.

I was telling an acquaintance my story Tuesday at a school volunteer training session. She is a fellow parent at the boys' school. She hadn't realized I had lost a child.  Usually, these encounters leave me exhausted. 

However, it was a lovely conversation.

At the end, she hugged me and took both of my hands and asked me for her name.

Jamie Lynn

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

This is a bone of contention.....

Not for me....for them.

I didn't want to know while I was carrying.  

I didn't want to know after I lost her.

I simply told a family member that I didn't care.

NOT that I didn't want to care....but I couldn't care.

  The burden was heavy enough for me, that I just could not worry about everyone else.  

It was too exhausting.

But if I said it once, I will say it again.

 

We, as parents, are the ONLY ones that wake up every day without a child.  There is not a day that we get relief from it.  It is our burden.  Our pain.  The reality is (in MY opinion) that their lives can go on without her.  

 

They can move forward and forget much easier.  

How do I know?  

Because I have seen it time and time again.  A friend has lost a child and I think..."I will never recover".  

Then one day, I haven't thought of that child for months. 

It is the reality. 

Cold hard reality or not.....it just is.

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently.

Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

Yes and No.

I feel our grief is the same in the fact that we both lost a daughter.  We both lost the dream of raising a daughter.  I lost the dream of getting her ready on her Wedding day.  He lost the dream of walking her down the aisle.   We both needed each other during the pregnancy, since we knew she was going to be gone.  And even though we were "prepared", our need for each other was the same after.

How were we different? 

Even in the beginning, I was planning.  I made her a quilt.  I shopped for her clothes.  I sat with our priest.  I called the funeral home.  I spent a lot of time on the internet (surprise, surprise, right?).  I "met" other moms that were dealing with uncertain or fatal prognosis.  I arranged with NILMDTS to have the photographer come and take her pictures.

He did not join me.  It wasn't that he didn't want to...he just couldn't. He just couldn't fathom losing her.  His focus was on worrying about all the things we needed to do if she DID make it.

Afterwards....we danced.  

We didn't want to cry or talk too much about her with each other.  We were worried about triggering each other.  I was often angry.  Jealous.  Envious.  Frustrated.


He was silent.

If there is ONE movie that really depicts how we "danced" around each other and how we were so different....
I highly recommend the movie "Rabbit Hole".

I am so grateful that Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart shared their acting talents to express the hurt, pain, and confusion of losing a child.

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?

Yes.....The older ones do remember.  They were 13, 10, and 7 when she was born.  Definitely at ages that it is hard to forget.

Our rainbow?  Button is now 7 1/2 months old.  We have looked at her pictures.  Looked at her urn.  

And I read him this every once in awhile.

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them?

If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

 My children....I watched all three boys have their hearts truly broken  for the very first time.  I always imagined it would be in high school or sometime in college by a girlfriend that they fell for hard and fast.  I always imagined that there would be some sort of dramatic break-up that included betrayal.

Instead....I saw them crash hard.  Hard for the tiniest little girl.  Their sister.  They were in love with her before she even arrived.  They didn't even know that she was going to be a girl.  They were in love with the idea of having a baby in our home.   They had watched many a friend have a baby arrive in their households, and wanted so much to embark on the journey.

When we announced that we were expecting, the cheers and giddiness were actually awe inspiring. 

When I was wheeled into the recovery room where they were all huddled around the tiny bundle that she was, I was brought down to my knees (figuratively, since I was laid out on a stretcher).

When they looked up at me with a mixture of curiosity, hope, and sadness...I was humbled.  It was as if they were asking me to perform supermom powers to keep her here with us.  

Never had I felt so helpless in my life.

Without our faith?  Without our faith community of church and school?

I am not sure if we could have survived this tragedy.  The boys are allowed to pray for her.  They are allowed to talk about her.  We encourage them to talk about her.

Butter, the oldest, feels that his group of classmates are "cursed".  They have lost siblings and even parents to death.  It has been difficult for him to work through it.  However, his understanding that anyone at any moment could be carrying the sadness that he does, makes him more compassionate towards others.

Bean.  He is my silent guy.  If her name is spoken, he gets very upset.  He has yet to discuss her.  He terrified of death.  And I hate that for him.  I hate that he had to experience loss so early in life.

Bunny...the "baby" for so long.  He was so thrilled to be a big brother.  My big tough guy, crumbled that day.  He shared his blankie with her and it is in the photo below...wrapped up under her cheek and hands.  I have never seen him sob with all the emotion a 7 year old can bottle up.  He and I are very close, often inseparable.  We became even closer after this.  He has been the most insistent on being a part of Butterfly Kisses.  Asking about babies pictures he might see in passing on my computer.  He wants to "know" these precious little ones.    I love that he has a picture of her by his bedside with a small girl angel statue praying......

I worry about Button.  What is he going to think of all of this someday? 

BUNNY'S Blanket wrapped up around her.

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Today was a good day.  Not sure why!  Maybe more distractions. 

Yesterday was not so good.

It is hard to say if I have more good days than bad.  Generally, most days are good.   The problem is the moments.  I calculate how many moments I have in clusters versus a random moment here and there.  Lately, I have had more and more clusters.  However, I attribute that to the month of October (her birthday).

ETA:  This was written at midnight...so it was Friday that was a good day...I am not so sure yet about today!

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s)?

If so what?

This blog.  The Butterfly Kisses ministry.

Sorry...but I just couldn't come up with anything profound today....

Day 6: How do you?

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

This is a tough one.

  Depends.

Depends on the situation.

Depends on the day.

Depends on the mood I am.

Depends if someone is being persistent.

ESPECIALLY depends if someone is insisting I "need" a girl.  

-----------------------------

Honestly though?  It is becoming more and more important for me to say that there are five.  That I did have a little girl.  And I just say she has passed.  No elaborations.  No discussion.

It usually ends in "Oh..I am sorry"

Followed by me saying "Oh, it's okay....."

And then change of subject by me immediately to protect them.

But I have an innate need lately to say

 "she was here"

For me.  For her dad.  For her brothers.

Day 5:

Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

All the time.  Butterflies.

The reason I named my ministry Butterfly Kisses.  

Her little "kisses" when they stop by.

This post BUTTERFLIES says it all.

This past year they haven't stopped by as often, but their timing could not be perfect.  Across a windshield when I am frustrated in traffic.  Past my studio when I look up randomly.  Usually because I am stuck or when I get a groove on.  

Either a way for me to push past my stumbling blocks or a nod when I am living life to the fullest.

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

My Husband

The pusher.  The prodder.  My biggest cheerleader. 

My Kids

They force you to get up in the morning.  They were the first to make me laugh on the way home from the hospital after I had sobbed getting in the car with empty arms.  My husband had to tell them to stop because I was going to bust my c-section stitches! They are champions for my blogs.  They think that it is the coolest thing for blankets to arrive on our doorstep.  They care about other families that have lost a baby.

My Hobbies

Out of all of my hobbies...quilting has been my savior.  The other crafts and sewing can be a bit of a struggle.  I still have to fight through it.  But it is the fighting that is therapeutic too.

My friends

In real life and online.  The friends that listen are the best. My life line.  They tolerate my musing.  But they also expect me to be there for them....which makes me feel needed by others.  And that makes me happy.

Butterfly Kisses

My charity reminds me that I am not alone.  That there are others that are on similar journeys. 

Miss Dakota Blakely

Another darling angel...Meet her HERE.

Sweet little footprint

Beautiful work by the momma's aunt

Not just one....but two blankets

For more precious prints

Fit for a special little cowgirl

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?

My Husband

I am sure some would say they are not surprised.  But I was and am.

I always felt that I had to be the strong one.  The one who had to take the burdens of the family. 

I tried to take the burden, but he wouldn't let me.

There isn't much I can say other than the moment that she was born.

I apologized to him for her not being "perfect".

And he said. "I don't want to hear another word like that.  She is perfect."

Enough said.  Right?