Sunday, October 9, 2011

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them?

If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

 My children....I watched all three boys have their hearts truly broken  for the very first time.  I always imagined it would be in high school or sometime in college by a girlfriend that they fell for hard and fast.  I always imagined that there would be some sort of dramatic break-up that included betrayal.

Instead....I saw them crash hard.  Hard for the tiniest little girl.  Their sister.  They were in love with her before she even arrived.  They didn't even know that she was going to be a girl.  They were in love with the idea of having a baby in our home.   They had watched many a friend have a baby arrive in their households, and wanted so much to embark on the journey.

When we announced that we were expecting, the cheers and giddiness were actually awe inspiring. 

When I was wheeled into the recovery room where they were all huddled around the tiny bundle that she was, I was brought down to my knees (figuratively, since I was laid out on a stretcher).

When they looked up at me with a mixture of curiosity, hope, and sadness...I was humbled.  It was as if they were asking me to perform supermom powers to keep her here with us.  

Never had I felt so helpless in my life.

Without our faith?  Without our faith community of church and school?

I am not sure if we could have survived this tragedy.  The boys are allowed to pray for her.  They are allowed to talk about her.  We encourage them to talk about her.

Butter, the oldest, feels that his group of classmates are "cursed".  They have lost siblings and even parents to death.  It has been difficult for him to work through it.  However, his understanding that anyone at any moment could be carrying the sadness that he does, makes him more compassionate towards others.

Bean.  He is my silent guy.  If her name is spoken, he gets very upset.  He has yet to discuss her.  He terrified of death.  And I hate that for him.  I hate that he had to experience loss so early in life.

Bunny...the "baby" for so long.  He was so thrilled to be a big brother.  My big tough guy, crumbled that day.  He shared his blankie with her and it is in the photo below...wrapped up under her cheek and hands.  I have never seen him sob with all the emotion a 7 year old can bottle up.  He and I are very close, often inseparable.  We became even closer after this.  He has been the most insistent on being a part of Butterfly Kisses.  Asking about babies pictures he might see in passing on my computer.  He wants to "know" these precious little ones.    I love that he has a picture of her by his bedside with a small girl angel statue praying......

I worry about Button.  What is he going to think of all of this someday? 
BUNNY'S Blanket wrapped up around her.

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